What Are the Signs of a Narcissistic Daughter?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a psychological condition in which a person believes he or she is better than everyone else. Narcissism is often associated with adults, but the early stages of the disorder can begin in childhood. Mothers who are concerned that their daughters may be narcissistic should be on the lookout for classic early warning signs. Some signs that can be indicative of a narcissistic daughter are social issues, abnormally high self-pride and the inability to take responsibility for mistakes.
A narcissistic daughter may have trouble getting along with siblings and classmates. While some children may try to change themselves to fit in with a peer group, narcissistic children often believe their own personal habits and fashion sense are better than their peers. This attitude can make other children view the narcissistic child in a negative light. A child with narcissistic tendencies also may have no sympathy or compassion for others. If a friend gets in an argument on the playground or skins a knee and turns to the narcissistic child for help, the friend may receive no empathy or support in return and may not want to continue the friendship.
Parents typically encourage their children to have positive self-esteem, but a narcissistic daughter will take this message to the next level. Young people with narcissistic tendencies can have inflated egos and participate in activities not because they enjoy them, but because they love winning and the corresponding attention. A child who truly has an interest in basketball will continue with the sport even after the disappointment of losing a few games. If a child wants to a quit a sport every time he or she loses so he or she can move onto another activity involving praise, then this can be a sign of narcissism.
Neither young nor old narcissists like to be held accountable. A child who constantly fails tests but blames the teacher or a kid who calls people names and then blames the victim could be suffering from early signs of narcissism. Narcissistic kids also may break rules because they believe they are so perfect that rules do not apply to them.
A mother or father who believes he or she has a narcissistic daughter should set up an appointment with a mental health professional. Many kids go through phases as they learn and grow, and it can be difficult for parents to determine if they are truly dealing with a narcissistic daughter or just a young person who is testing the waters. Counselors and psychologists have questionnaires that can be used to make a proper diagnosis.
Symptoms of a Narcissistic Daughter
Many children mimic narcissistic behaviors such as lack of empathy during arguments, egotistical when they get high praise, and manipulation to get their way.
To get an accurate diagnosis, a pediatrician will recommend a children's psychologist and execute a questionnaire while supervising their behavior over six months. Other personality disorders that resemble NDP are borderline personality disorder (BDP) and histrionic personality disorder.
Symptoms to be aware of in your narcissistic daughter include:
- Arrogance coupled with egotism
- Self-centered and self-serving
- Acting abnormally entitled
- Opportunistic behaviors beyond ambition
- Do not hold eye-contact
- Don't get mad - they get even or vindictive.
- Requires more attention than other children
- Lack of compassion and empathy
- Shows jealous behaviors to others they believe are more important than them
When are Narcissistic Traits Abnormal in Children?
Everyone encompasses narcissistic traits at some point or another in their lives. Children who find it difficult 'fitting in,' controlling themselves and their environment, or are quick to anger are especially narcissistic.
However, the difference between a narcissistic personality disorder and expected behaviors in children is recognized as follows:
The abnormal narcissistic behaviors must be consistent within six months before getting an accurate diagnosis.
Causes of Narcissistic Tendencies in Children
Many studies are trying to prove why a child or adolescence suffers from NDP, and an ongoing argument is whether NDP is taught or natural (genetics vs. environmental). However, many of the assumed causes for NDP in children are:
- Early childhood abuse
- Disproportionate praise or negligent parenting (too much negative criticism)
- Helicopter parenting or obsessive, controlling parents
- A parent with NDP or narcissistic peers
- Excessive expectations (nothing is good enough)
- Genetic anomaly (abnormal or imbalanced brain chemistry)
- When siblings are treated as unequal (one golden child or favorite)
How to Prevent Narcissistic Tendencies from Turning into Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NDP)
Proper treatment for NDP requires ongoing therapy, including cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), psychoanalytic psychotherapy, and sometimes trauma therapy. While therapies may not reverse signs, your child can engage in one-on-one extra-curricular activities where a guide will teach your child empathy, emotional regulation, and other social-friendly behaviors.
Things a parent can do to reverse narcissistic tendencies and behaviors are:
Look Within Yourself
Often, narcissistic tendencies stem from a negligent, possessive, or overly self-centered parent. If a child's parent represents narcissistic behaviors, it is a good idea to seek family counseling or learn self-awareness to understand their own behaviors.
The best way to reverse children's narcissistic behaviors is to create a safe and balanced household. Discipline appropriately, reward efficiently, and avoid possessive or obsessive protective parental behaviors.
Teach More Empathy
Someone who lacks empathy either hasn't been taught, or it doesn't come naturally to them. When your child does something empathetic or thinks with compassion, praise their attitude and explain why their and others' feelings matter.
Make an effort to catch a non-empathetic approach as it's happening and guide your daughter to react differently with a more compassionate approach.
Find Healthy Emotional Outlets
Allow creativity in your home. Some healthy emotional outlets include:
- Drawing or painting (don't make a huge deal, but an appropriate deal)
- Encourage talking about feelings and expressing oneself
- Read books on emotional regulation and empathy
- Encourage extra-curricular activities
- Don't be afraid to show your daughter that you're not perfect either. (be emotional if you need)
Use Balanced Parenting
It's not about how much praise you give your child but how your praise matches the act. Narcissistic tendencies often come from a parent that overpraises the minor achievements while not caring about the significant achievements. The same goes for discipline - always ensure you match the praise or discipline with the act.
Bottom Line: Is My Child a Narcissist?
Narcissistic people are not taught the necessary social activities that most kids go through. If the home is negligent or a sibling gets an unbalanced amount of love, the narcissistic tendencies will turn into NDP.
While many factors contribute to NDP in children, the best way to understand whether your child needs help for their narcissistic behaviors is through ongoing sessions with psychotherapy.
I don't know exactly were to start, but I can say that this site has been a blessing to me. Just to know that others have experienced the same behavior as I have from my adopted daughter.
My daughter is 38 now and on her second marriage. she is academic and is a medical consultant and has 17 letters after her name -- so she tells me. I am proud of what she has achieved academically, but she has put me in the wrong all her life. I've caused all her mistakes, according to her, but I've just loved, cared and financially supported her, although she has told friends that she got no financial support.
Because of her Jealous nature she has told lies to my daughter- in-law behind my back and I can't get to the bottom of it.
My husband died 11 years ago and her behavior and lies have got worse because I have no one living to support me.
All sadness and I guess I will have to find a way of cutting her off for my own sanity.
The following description refers to an " adopted daughter"( adopted in a common law sense of assisting and supporting)
About four years ago, I came across a friend request on social media. Most unknown requests I automatically refused. However I was strangely intrigued with this particular young woman and accepted. After some six months, a tentative dialogue of sorts started. To protect her identity, I'll refer to her as Mel. She lives in a shanty town on the outskirts of a main capitol city in equatorial Africa. Dirt poor and hard conditions for most folk who live there. A most unlikely source for the exquisitely convincing and sophisticated deception that would very soon follow.
I have a fairly good knowledge of psychology and psychiatry, making it a life long hobby to explore my own and that of other peoples "inner selves"
Undoubtedly, for most of my childhood and adult life I displayed narcissistic tendencies, much to the despair of my long suffering wife. I'm still married after many years, have two wonderful children and I hold my wife in the highest esteem. I'm an atypical narc because I can and do find empathy and genuine feelings of affection for not just family and friends, but humanity at large. That's probably the mix of ingredients that got me involved with "helping" Mel. in the first place.
The help came in the form of small monthly payments to ease the discomfort of living in a harsh environment, eventually involving assistance with " higher education" From the get-go, I knew I was dealing with a compromised individual. Initially I suspected Aspergers syndrome, or mild autism with co-morbid depression. The diagnosis remained obscure until quite recently, such were the thespian skills of this young woman to obscure reality. Clearly, I was the dominant source of supply and she the submissive co-dependent (covert, heavily dependent inverted narcissist). In this respect it was easy to curtail her histrionics, with threats of blocking or just plain narcissistic injury, which curiously, while being very painful to her, just seemed to reinforce her dependence on me. I could not, however, modify the projections, fabrications, lies, mood swings and paranoia.
Mel is a textbook case of covert NPD. She ticks every single symptom box and took the whole package to another level much in the same way certain indigenous populations can take religion to another level. I have terminated my assistance, both financial and emotional, and have gone no contact to preserve my own well being and by extension, that of my family and friends.
The moral of this story is that even through social media, video calls and messaging from a distant land by a seemingly innocuous, shy and pretty teenager, these individuals have the power and skillset to eat you up from the inside out.
I would have loved to have helped her in a meaningful way but had to concede after four years that it was an impossible mission. They are like black holes in space: incomprehensible, limitless, devoid of love or mercy, sucking in the life force of everyone who gets close.
I too have a 32 year old grown daughter who is an only child and "fought" over by her divorced parents. She is basically focused on herself and is always trying to get reassurance and attention in a variety of unhealthy ways. I believe some of it is the millennial generation of me, me and me.
This is the last birthday she ruins of mine, because it was about me, she had to make a scene. I love her, but she is emotionally draining and her energy is not about giving but always taking.
O my gosh. I could have posted these.
I raised my daughter's children from infancy and now she is keeping them from me. It is tearing my grandchildren's little hearts out! She is manipulating their sweet little hearts into bitter hateful hurt. Soon they will be hateful like her. Oh my heart! Please God, have mercy.
I am finding out about this disorder. I have a daughter that I think has the problem. I am trying to dismiss her from my life as I have had so much trouble starting from about 16 years old. I think she is on drugs or something is really wrong with her mentally. Her bio father has NPD for sure.
I have been blaming myself for the behavior because I have given her everything she has ever wanted. I just bought her a brand new Camaro and she blew me off again over a guy that has been in and out of jail for drugs and I think is pretty much a drifter and he is driving the new car. What a kick in the teeth this is.
I feel really stupid but I have at least seen her for what she really is this time. I asked her to get counseling after I bailed her out of jail for the second time and I found a letter from a guy who is in the pen for drugs, telling her I needed all this not her, and well I am not the one in jail? It really hurts and I have reached out for help and they say I am not the one with NPD, that it is possible the daughter is the one with the problem. I don't know -- just reaching out for help.
Today is my daughter's 34th birthday. The very first of her birthdays which we are incommunicado as a result of her and her husband's decision to separate themselves from me, my husband (her stepdad), her blood brothers, her step siblings and our extended family.
I believe my daughter may have NPD. Two weeks ago she refused to let my grandson (now 8) and granddaughter (13) come to our home for a visit. We have had the children over countless times, to babysit or to watch them for up to 2 weeks at a time while they go on holidays. We have helped to pay for some of those holidays.
We were unable to help with much of their wedding costs 14 years ago because we also were both very poor after splitting up with our former partners. But we have made that up several times over in other ways, including significant assistance to my daughter and their children when he went away to train as a policeman for 6 months. We paid for his flights home at Christmas and my daughter's and the children's flights out for his graduation. We also flew out for the graduation. We gave them countless free vacations every summer for 12 years at our place in a resort on a beautiful lake. Never asking for a thing. About 13 months ago I took my daughter on a cruise, just the two of us. Again, my husband and I paid for her. These are just some of the "gifts" that I could recall on short notice.
My husband owns a successful business and I do volunteer work with women, young and old. Women who are hurting for whatever reason. I sometimes just talk with them over a warm meal, or sometimes bring them home to stay for a while. We are empty nesters, so the risk is fairly low to anyone but us. We have helped young women living on the streets get cleaned up and healthy once again. We have homed a hurting pregnant woman, facilitated in her delivery and helped to acquire a safe home for them to live in after her recovery and introduction to motherhood. There are many stories, and we try to help where we can.
My husband and I had "pre-booked" our summer place for a couple of weeks this past July. At the last minute, my daughter asked if they could use the resort place -- it happened to be during the time we were there. We explained that we were there with one of the young ladies who was staying with us at the time, but that they were welcome to join us. They did. And in no time my daughter was upset. We ended up leaving early just so the children could enjoy the holiday.
Fast forward eight months, when I asked if the kids could come for a visit. She and her husband told us that we couldn't see the kids for a while. Turn out they blew a situation from last summer out of context, and falsely accused my husband of improper behavior. Falsely. I know, not just because he is not capable of such behavior, but because he was never ever alone with anyone. In fact, the alleged conduct took place while we were all together. (My husband adjusted our granddaughter's bathing suit.) We have always been mindful of boundaries and careful because of the women I work with to never let him be alone with them because of accusations that they could make.
Now, she is lying to the children and to herself. And her husband is backing her up 100 percent. My daughter has been cynical of my helping other women. She doesn't like me having friends, or helping others at all. She has tried to get me to stop helping several times, but I refuse. It's where my heart is. So this is her way of "upping the ante" by now attacking my husband.
This is where I come (finally) to my dilemma. What now? I have been thinking that she's toxic to me for years now. But she's still my daughter and I love her. They are my grandchildren and I adore them. How can I live with her? But how do I live without her? Do I text her for her birthday? or do I try to act like it's not affecting me when it's tearing me apart.
I would sure love some feedback on this. I'm in a zone that I could never have dreamed of this day 34 years ago. Help!
My daughter gets what she wants and holds her daughter as ransom. She lived with us until my granddaughter was a year old and then she got into an abusive relationship. I am just waiting for him to do something so I can call child protective services.
My husband and I have done our homework. After my daughter--from my previous marriage to a narcissist--kicked both my present husband and me under a bus, we began reading books--a lot of books. We discovered that narcissists, like my adult daughter, have brains that lack the oxytocin receptor gene which makes them incapable of having compassion or giving empathy to others--even those they excruciatingly hurt. We believe that her biological, narcissistic father passed this lack of brain receptors for oxytocin unto my daughter with him. It is a matter of nature (her biological father's DNA) and not our lack of nurture. Her cruelty to my present husband and me was excruciating. So, in order to protect ourselves from her toxic abuses in future, my present husband and I began reading books about maintaining healthier boundaries. We've come through the gut-wrenching grieving process to the stage of accepting who my daughter became and though we still love her, or rather who she used to be, we've stopped standing in front of the bus she kicked us under. We hope this helps some parents understand that it isn't their fault, but rather their daughters' lack of empathy from a deficiency of oxytocin. It's nature, not nurture. God help us all.
I am the mother of two adult narcissistic daughters. Over the past ten years or so they have treated me very badly. Cussed at me, called me names, refused to discuss things with me, blown up at me if I do not agree with them, given me the silent treatment, and then when they are getting money and presents from me, all of a sudden they are nice. Until something comes up that they don't want to talk about.
I made the decision this past September not to tolerate their abuse anymore. I told them that until they could treat me with love and respect and make the effort to come see me, that I was no longer going to make the 15 hour drive, plus two nights in a hotel, at my expense to see them, that the days of my doing all the driving to see them were over. Their response? Well, they have been giving me the silent treatment for almost four months now. Never even contacted me to see if I got home safely from my visit in September.
I finally wrote them both a long letter detailing all of this, explaining my actions and why I can no longer continue with their abuse and still no reaction. I know they both read and got the letter, but of course, complete silence.
Since the things they accuse me of never happened, and this has been going on now for years, I have come to the conclusion that they are both full blown narcissists. And I am a professional counselor, so it was with great sadness that I have had to diagnose both of them this way. They are 42 and 37. And we were once very close. They were great children, kind, empathetic, compassionate, etc. So this turnaround in both of them was a real shock.
candyquilt - I agree: One shouldn't diagnose a child. But, the APA says that the behavior will really ramp up in the early to mid-teens and be full blown by young adulthood. That's what we're talking about here. I believe we didn't see the inevitable in our own daughters because we regarded the behavior as normal childhood narcissism or over-the-top teenage angst and worked with it. BUT - It went beyond wrong and amoral.
My daughter was exceptionally intelligent. Unfortunately, she used it to manipulate at a very early age. No one could actually see what she was doing. After all, she was so young. How could she be that savvy and divisive? Impossible!
No, not at all.
Studies are now showing that it is an inherited trait. There is a dysfunction in the brain that doesn't produce the chemical that produces empathy, sympathy and a host of other traits that make us human. The lack of it restricts all regard for others. Hence, our humanity and love is used against us. In short, they are born that way.
There is currently no medical/ therapy/ pharmaceutical treatment. No amount of love and understanding can reverse it. By the way, those traits are the reason I divorced her father and fought for sole custody, thinking I was protect her from the influence. I raised mine with love, physical and emotional support and encouragement. She actually used my love against me. The result was my mental exhaustion leading to stress and eventually severe depression.
Mothers who experience this have to protect themselves. You have no idea unless you lived it.
There's Nurture and Nature. Unfortunately, when it's hard-wired into them, Nature wins every time.
I have come to think my 27 year old daughter has NPD. She was a happy and healthy child but started to change as a teen and it just got progressively worse. I tried to get her into therapy at 16 when she seemed hostile and agressive but she refused and I thought it was a teenager thing and she would grow out of it. She never did. She has tried to destroy our family and is so cruel I can not even believe she is the sweet little girl I raised. Throughout high school it got worse and she made all of her friends and boyfriends hate us - who knows what lies she told them, I didn't realize it back then. She is now getting married and has convinced her boyfriend and his family she was abused and is not inviting anyone from her family to her wedding as we are her past and he is her future. I'm afraid he is her future victim and I am worried about the children they have together. I am heartbroken but know I must learn how to live without her. I will always love her but I do not want to be her victim anymore. She has hurt me more than anyone in my life.
Sparky100, I know how you felt! I have at 65 just had to cut my 39 year old daughter off completely because of her blatant abuse of me over her whole life from teenager to current age. You and I, however, do not have a lot of years left and I for one don't intend to waste them mourning a child who treats me this way. My heart is broken too, but at least I don't have to hear the put downs, the denigrations and all the other hurtful words any more. The sad thing is that she has just told my husband I am a narcissistic, sick mother and that he is my enabler. I wish she would look in a mirror!
Our daughter is a narcissist and we have dealt with her tantrums for quite a few years off and on. At first we were so caught up in the drama and thought where have we gone wrong. A friend once told me she was a narcissist so I bought a couple of books to understand the NPD. Wow, this totally changed my perception and how I was able to deal with her.
Now we see her as a little girl that is only lashing out for her own personal needs. It has gotten so bad she now uses our grandchildren as leverage for her own personal gains. It's plain as day. She does not see our point of view and goes back years accusing us of things. We are too old for these things. We will not fall into the trap of a NPD. Trying to disarm them is hard, but never say they are right and you were wrong. There is a way to talk to them, think it is their idea. I wish everyone best of luck, do not let yourself get caught up and blame yourself for any of their doings. YOU the victim have done nothing wrong.
I once said to my N daughter, " So when I'm doing well and I have money you pretend that everything is fine but if I experience any deprivation or hardship you're gone like a bat out of hell and that's okay? Do you realize that is what you do? That makes me useless as a person unless I have money. If I beg you for help and mercy will you even understand that?" Just try and say this to any N child. You know what they'll do? They will pretend they didn't hear it, or make a joke out of it. But under no circumstances will they engage in that conversation. Narcissists hate reality. They hate people who are on to them and rest assured, they are hurting many, many people, not just you!
My daughter used to never let me be in the same room with any new boyfriend alone because she had told so many lies she knew that if I ever had a casual conversation she would be exposed. Watch out for that. If you are never "allowed" to contact their friends -- that's a sure sign. You can detect narcissism at an early age. My three children and I made cookies together for a home school project. We counted them up and they did the math. Four cookies for each child. We agreed that they could eat their four cookies each at any time, but they would keep a record so everything would be fair. They loved it because they could eat a cookie whenever they wanted.
My N daughter was sitting right in front of us and ate a cookie out of the jar with her back turned. So we said, "Okay that's three left for you." She replied with crumbs on her mouth, "No, I didn't eat one." We laughed and thought she was joking and said, "C'mon, just admit it and write down that you have three left. It's no big deal." She got angry and shouted that she didn't eat one. I sent her to her room to cool off, so she comes out an hour later and she still said she never ate one and we were all very mean (we weren't even angry in the least). That's when I knew there was something really wrong. She was six.
She was in and out of therapy all her life and never admitted any problems whatsoever to any therapist. Her dad was always sympathetic and believed every perception she had. When I approached him and said it was important that we take a united stand to help her, he said I didn't understand her and I needed help. Long story short, they were both narcissists with delusions on top of it. They've both harmed many people emotionally but mostly, they've harmed themselves and spend their entire lives hiding out from reality and protecting themselves. Accountability is Kryptonite to both of them.
There must be a genetic component. I saw her traits were unusual from age 3. Don't ever blame yourself. There are children who come from alcoholic or drug abusing parents who are fully capable of loving and reciprocating kindness naturally. Narcissism is unique.
My daughter is under this umbrella. She periodically erupts over nothing. This last time, she made me leave her house and left me waiting on a train for an hour and a half to get home.
My beautiful granddaughter has just been christened without me there. Totally heartbreaking. I have had to stay away and not get in touch, as it was too much to cope with. I'm devastated to the point I feel physically sick. As a mum, it's the worst feeling in the world.
@candyquilt: Everyone has a right to their opinions. So, I would like to share mine with you. As far as your response to fboyle. In my opinion, I don't think anyone who is not a mental health professional should diagnosis anyone. In fboyle's defense, she didn't diagnose her daughter. She said, "I think" my daughter might have NPD. Thinking that someone has a disorder or illness is completely different than actually diagnosing them. How many people have said when a loved one is sick, “I think so and so might have diabetes etc.” Or when someone is doing anything and everything to obtain drugs or alcohol to get high. Everyone nowadays automatically says they're a drug addict or an alcoholic, no matter what their age.
I don't think children should be labeled either, but for a parent to watch their own child disintegrate into a raging, egotistical, out of control human being who can't have a relationship with anyone and is ruining her life and everyone close to her, even her own defenseless children! Parents go to whatever extremes they have to, to find out on their own what is wrong with their child and how they can help them! I don't know why you were on this site, as it is none of my business. So, I don't know if you are aware of the fact that, with this disorder, 95 percent of people with this disorder don't ever seek help or therapy because of the disorder! Which, speaking for myself, I cannot or will not accept that there is no hope for my daughter. I also do not only think my daughter has it, but I am convinced she does! I am not diagnosing her either and I know it sounds like I am contradicting myself. I am giving myself an answer for her outrageous behavior, how she treats and interacts with me and everyone she comes in contact with. How she puts her own innocent children in danger every time she gets behind the wheel with them.
So let me get this straight: because there is a quote about how all children are born monsters makes it true? So it's OK to say they are monsters (a label) when they are born, but when they grow up and are mentally ill, it's wrong to think they have a disorder? I beg to differ with you. I believe all children are born angels and as they grow up. this world can and does turn some of them into monsters. I agree with you, that most of us have been a little narcissistic from time to time. Maybe I misunderstood you.
So you think that all these mothers on here who are pouring their hearts out because they don't know what to do or where to go to get help for their daughters, that in your opinion it's just something they will outgrow? Like I said before, I don't know what your interest is with this subject or why you are here on this site from your comments. In my opinion again, I think you have got a lot to learn about this horrible disorder that is plaguing our children and not only ruining their lives, but their children's lives and that of anyone who loves them. God Bless you, candyquilt and I hope your daughter or any of your loved ones don't suffer from this horrifying disorder.
Children learn from their parents. Certainly the world is more connected and allows those with superiority issues, poor social skills or loose boundaries to flagrantly display themselves. Putting pictures of ones self up on the Internet is encouraged and has a positive side for many. At this time it may be helpful to take a look at benevolent sexism and overt sexism because sexism is damaging for girls.
If something has gone wrong with your daughters, you may realize you did not protect them from harm, especially if you caused the harm yourself. Children learn from their care givers. This is a very difficult personality disorder. Listen to your young children and hear what they are attempting to say. Set an example of empathy, educate yourselves on childhood development and understand the pressure on girls.
Make a difference and discover your attitudes and beliefs that affect others. With children realize they may take time to mature, so don't give up on them. Just do what's right in the right way. Your children will learn for better or worse.
At the age 0f 83, I have had to give my daughter up totally, because of her hurtful treatment of me. My heart is broken.
I am now widowed, and have no other family close by. My friends are dying off, and my health at this age is starting to go downhill. Never did I think this would be my lot in life. Do you ever learn to adjust to this?
I have a daughter who is narcissistic and I have gone to therapy because I thought I was losing my mind. My therapist says to me that it sounds like my daughter may be narcissistic and I asked what is that and she explained to me what it was. So, I went home did research online and couldn't believe all the characteristics she had.
She is 27 and has two kids by different fathers. She is my only one and believe me, I tried to cut her loose. I was blessed she was someone else's problem. The silent treatment is the worst. I get that all the time with her. She makes me miserable and all I do is cry or want to leave this world. She lies to others about her own family so they have sympathy for her, and when she's not happy with them, she comes around and lies about them. I'm afraid to talk to her. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing. It's as if I was walking on eggshells.
I try to stay close since my oldest granddaughter is 7 and she's been sexually abused by the new boyfriend and has been hurting herself in school. She's been cutting herself, choking herself, and at the age of 5 she wrote in a journal at school she want to kill herself. My daughter was confronted by a guidance counselor and didn't do a damn thing. She believed they were lying and everyone was making this up. Also, my granddaughter has been in two mental behavior centers and when asked if someone had touched her where they shouldn't, she said yes and she explained it so perfectly how it happened. Then, my daughter stands up and yells at my granddaughter and calls her a liar right in front of me, the doctors and therapists. They told my daughter that CPS would be contacted. The school had called CPS on her several times from last year until this year. My daughter can manipulate anyone and of course, CPS couldn't find anything so they closed the case.
I've been fighting for custody for my granddaughter and it's been a battle. We have been to court and not heard. The judge assigned an amicus to my granddaughter since February 2015 and I haven't seen her until this day. Also, my daughter didn't want to deal with this so she sent her away to her other maternal grandparents since then and she hasn't seen her.
Since there are six conservators on the court papers, you can see this has been going on for a long time. My attorney stated that we have one foot through the door because Texas laws has no grandparents rights, no matter how abusive the situation is. But everyone thought this was a mother-daughter fight, which is clearly not.
I promised I would try to protect her when she begged me to live with me. I have gone completely insane. We have spent over 15 thousand dollars and nothing has been done. Now they are finally sending her back and of course, she'll go back to her mother and that's what we're trying to do – keep her away from there. I do admit I was glad she wasn't there because I knew she was safe somewhere else.
So, at the end of May we are going for a jury trial, not a hearing. I'm going to court to get my granddaughter back. This alone has cost 15-30 thousand dollars I'm only doing this because we have enough evidence to prove my daughter is unfit.
I hate who I've become. I'm the type of person who gives and will help anyone in need. I would give you my shirt off my back if needed. I just wanted to be loved. My daughter could never say I love you mom, she never called me mom. It was, “Hey what do you think about this or that.” I've asked her why she doesn't call me mom and she said, “I don't know.”
Or, if you try and give her a hug, you can tell how fake it is like she doesn't want to be touched. She only contacts me if she needs money or if she's hungry or not getting along with her boyfriend or she hates her coworkers. But anything she says is a lie. I always tell myself it's the opposite of what she saying. I'm glad I found this site. I feel better getting this off my chest. It does hurt. I would be lying if I said it didn't. I also promised myself that I will not contact her this time. I did delete all her info on my phone and iPad. I just want her to be someone else's problem, but not to her kids. That's all.
My husband and I have been dealing with this disorder for years in our daughters. Our oldest daughter has gotten therapy and help and seems to be doing better. Our youngest daughter with two children and pregnant for the third is getting worse.
All of this for Moms and Dads to deal with is very sad. I have given it all over to prayer and faith. When I put it in the Lord's hands I do get peace.
I pray for all these parents and hope that they can find peace and surrender in their lives. Bless all of you!
@anon350355 and anon945739: As I was reading your posts, I couldn't help but cry with you. I am a mother of a narcissistic adult daughter, as well. She is now 23, and we have been putting up with this abuse from her for seven years. Your stories are my stories too.
I love my daughter a lot. I think she is beautiful, smart and there are so many things I love about her. Yet, no matter how much I try to build her up with loving words, she belittles me, is disrespectful, and starts arguments for no reason. I don't expect her to be perfect, but I do expect her to be nice. I have been her only cheerleader when the rest of the world has knocked her down. I have never belittled her. I am a very positive person while she is always very negative. I have financially supported her, even though I couldn’t afford it and pay my own bills, too. All I got was a disrespectful attitude. In spite of all this, she lies to family members and friends, and always makes others think she is the victim and I am the villain.
The only time she is nice to me or contacts me is when she wants money. She does not acknowledge me on Mother’s Day or my birthday, and never comes over on holidays. She is now pregnant which makes things even harder because she doesn't have a supportive boyfriend.
After seven years, I have learned that being nice no longer works, and I've had to make the painful decision of cutting ties with her unless she repents. I am not willing to be belittled and disrespected by her any longer. This was a very hard decision for me to make, as I realize I will never get to see my grandchild. But it was a necessary one. I have two other boys who I have a close relationship with, and I focus all my energy on them now.
My heart goes out to all of you. The only thing you can do is set clear boundaries unless your daughter truly repents for her behavior, and you see a change. Our daughters are adults now. We have to cut the cord and let them swim by themselves. Otherwise, they will keep using us and hurting us. In the end, it will be us who get hurt.
My daughter sings the "Me, me, me" song daily. Her conversations are about her: her kids, her life. She has been bossy since childhood and not able to have lasting friendships. She is not willing to take responsibility for arguments and explodes like a volcano.
The more I try not to comment, the more she urges me until I do say something and then we are off and running on yet another not speaking segment of our life. She has caused damage in family relationships. She is famous for divide and conquer with her dad and me. She accuses me of favoring her older sister who in her mind is nothing but a loser, when in fact, we have given them both so much and never shown partiality. She doesn't get along with in-laws, etc.
When I first brought up narcissism to her, she immediately looked it up on line and forwarded a copy to her dad turning it completely around and stating that is what I am and she can't deal with it. You never win an argument with her. She must be right at the price of relationships and so much more.
Personally, after reading and researching, it is my opinion that each of us possess some of these qualities, but when it's a family member and you are desperate to maintain a relationship, it is devastating. I also feel these personalities must be in charge and find it difficult in the work place to harmoniously take direction from others.
My daughter is 37 with two children and if she read this, she would turn it all on me, so it is a very sad situation. I don't think there is an answer to it, because in order to correct a behavior, you have to first acknowledge it!
I am certainly no professional, but have been coping with this for so many years I am ready to finally give up totally---and she is of the same mind. It is such a sad situation.
The sad thing is that it is difficult to realize that your child is narcissistic when he/she is young since children are, to a degree, narcissists. By the time you realize it, it's too late. As I have learned with my daughter. It's heartbreaking. You're helpless.
I am the mother of a narcissistic daughter. She had trouble keeping friends, showed no empathy or sympathy towards anyone and lied constantly. If she was caught doing something unacceptable, she would receive a punishment: no TV, phone or activity for a week. Unfortunately, she would "get back" at me by stealing money or clothing from me or promoting smear campaigns against me at school, within the family and even at my place of employment.
Therapy didn't work because she charmed them and always changed the issue she was there for. She is a master manipulator.
After I put her through college (again, with her stealing, lying, not following rules, no friends) she lived at home for a year, with me footing the bill, to get her on her feet. She went to another state, worked and came home for Christmas. After lavishing her with gifts, I realized she stole from me again -- on Christmas no less.
I haven't seen or heard from her since. She changed her phone number and doesn't answer e-mails, which she has since changed as well. Half of me is broken-hearted and the other half is relieved. Although she is my only child, and I lived for her and her well-being, living the rest of my life not knowing what she would do next to me was too stressful. Putting up with it from a 25 year old was unacceptable.
I think my daughter might have NPD. She's very manipulative and fights with me constantly. She can't seem to hold onto friends either. She makes friends and then stops talking to them and meets others.
@burcinc-- I personally don't think it's a good idea to diagnose a child with NPD. Of course, it's good to seek counseling but I would not label a child with any disorder.
I think at a young age, we all tend to be a little narcissistic. There is even a famous quote about how all children are born monsters and education and discipline turns each of us into humans. Children have to be selfish because they are weak and fragile and rely on parents for everything.
I'm sure most of us have gone through this stage in our lives but most of us grew out of it with time.
I remember one time, I couldn't go to school because I was sick. I asked this girl for notes because she lived closest to my house. She gave me the notes and homework. When I got to class on Monday, I discovered that she had intentionally given me homework from six months ago. She could do anything to make others lose.
I still shudder thinking about how that girl's mind operated at such a young age. I would not want to come across her as an adult, she must be a monster. If anyone has a daughter like that, please do something about it while you still can.
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