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What is a Battered Husband?

Michael Pollick
Michael Pollick
Michael Pollick
Michael Pollick

When many of us hear the words "domestic violence," we automatically assume the victim would be a female and the attacker would be a male. After all, men are traditionally viewed as the more aggressive of the two sexes, and the victims of most domestic abuse situations are indeed women. But a surprising number of domestic violence episodes do involve women as the aggressors, creating a new category of victim known as the battered husband. An abused husband suffers the same emotional, verbal and physical abuse as a battered wife, but is less likely to report these crimes to authorities.

The relationship between a battered husband and his abusive spouse can be very complex. The husband often employs the same defensive tactics as a battered wife, including denial, withdrawal and disconnection. The shame of owning up to a spouse's abusive behavior could cause a man to defend her around others. Some excuses may be that his own actions triggered her violent response, or she's only reacting to post-natal stress. Denial can be a powerful coping mechanism for men in this situation, especially if they dread the idea of having meaningful discussions with their abusive spouses.

It is estimated that 800,000 men become victims of domestic violence every year.
It is estimated that 800,000 men become victims of domestic violence every year.

Another characteristic of men in this situation is the tendency to disconnect from his own domestic problems. A battered husband will often spend more and more time at work, or take up a hobby outside of the home. In order to avoid potential conflicts, he may decide to sleep in the family car or spend his waking hours in a private den or office. A violent spouse may also be abusive towards children, either in the form of physical attacks or excessive punishments for minor infractions. A battered husband could remain in the abusive home strictly to protect his children from further abuse.

A battered husband will often spend a great deal of time at work, away from his home.
A battered husband will often spend a great deal of time at work, away from his home.

A battered husband may also find it difficult to pursue legal remedies against an abusive spouse. A number of states have domestic violence laws requiring law enforcement officers to arrest at least one of the combatants if physical injuries are visible. An abused husband may have been the victim of severe mental and emotional abuse for hours, but one defensive slap could tip the balance in the abusive spouse's favor. Enforcing a temporary restraining order against an abusive wife could also become problematic for a husband, especially if children are involved.

Some states have domestic violence laws requiring law enforcement officers to arrest at least one of the combatants if physical injuries are visible.
Some states have domestic violence laws requiring law enforcement officers to arrest at least one of the combatants if physical injuries are visible.

There are a number of support groups dedicated to sufferers of "battered husband syndrome." These groups also provide online information for men who may want to break away from a violent relationship but fear the aftermath. Some studies suggest that over 800,000 men become victims of domestic violence every year, but only a fraction ever report the abuse to authorities. Many men fear the social stigma of admitting they were powerless against a violent spouse, or the loss of meaningful time spent with their children following a divorce.

Michael Pollick
Michael Pollick

A regular TheHealthBoard contributor, Michael enjoys doing research in order to satisfy his wide-ranging curiosity about a variety of arcane topics. Before becoming a professional writer, Michael worked as an English tutor, poet, voice-over artist, and DJ.

Learn more...
Michael Pollick
Michael Pollick

A regular TheHealthBoard contributor, Michael enjoys doing research in order to satisfy his wide-ranging curiosity about a variety of arcane topics. Before becoming a professional writer, Michael worked as an English tutor, poet, voice-over artist, and DJ.

Learn more...

Discussion Comments


As a social worker, I see it all the time. A man who was raised to never raise a hand in anger to a woman, no matter what, is abused by his wife because she sees his unwillingness to defend himself as a sign of weakness, and takes advantage.

I have also seen it in the court system. Although more even handed than years ago, men who report being physically abused are often laughed at by police, in particular if the responding cop happens to be a woman, or if there is a significant size difference between them, him being the larger.

If it does go as far as court (rarely) the first thing the judge usually asks is,

"What did you do to her to set her off?" It's never her fault, you see.


@anon170130: I am sorry about what happened to you. No one deserves to be treated the way your ex-husband treated you. But that's the point. No one deserves to be abused. And the fact that some men suffer abuse at the hands of their wives does not in any way negate the suffering of women at the hands of abusive husbands. The issue of abuse should not be treated as some zero-sum game.

The variety of experiences people can have do not negate each other. Here are some examples:

Wife A murders her abusive husband.

Wife B is abusive and ends up murdering her husband as an escalation of her abuse of him.

Wife C commits suicide because she can't deal with being abused anymore.

Wife D commits or attempts suicide as a manipulation tactic.

All of these events are possible. Wife A's experiences do not negate the suffering caused by wife B. It is good that the courts are overall beginning to take the experiences of more people seriously. The answer is to take things on a case-by-case basis and see what stands up to the facts. No one should be dismissed, ridiculed or automatically believed out of hand.


We have all been misled. Men are claiming abuse, even men who have financial resources to escape but don't.

I am amazed at the people of both sexes crying abuse, when nothing, not even a lack of funds. stopped them from getting out. I guess now with women earning more than men in some cases, now the women are now abusive.

But what is the bottom line is that the person with lesser or no earnings at all is usually most often abused. So, whenever that reality exists, wake up. You can afford to get out; do so.


I'm leaving my relationship before I become a battered husband.

I cannot live the rest of my life this way. I have staples getting taken out of my head later this week. I had an altercation with her last week. I had gone to sleep on the couch after an argument, only to be woken up getting by getting kicked in the head. I tried to block the blows with my hands and she grabbed something -- I'm not clear what yet -- and started hitting me, splitting my head open. I managed to get out of the house and call 911. I didn't want to press charges, but there was so much blood. The state took over and pressed charges and I have no say in the matter.

But this is just the latest and most severe in a string of incidents. Before that, there was the destruction of a work laptop that almost cost me my job, my work monitor (that they still don't know about), a keyboard, broom sticks, frying pans, a beer bottle, and of course, her fists.

That's the physical abuse and to be honest, I could deal with that if there weren't an obvious pattern of it escalating. It's the mental and emotional abuse. I'm constantly being run down, insulted and told I'm not a man. I cut ties with most of my friends and family because she took issue with them. She even went so far as to accuse me of having an incestuous relationship with a cousin. Gross!

I'm just a few days out of it and already wonder how could I just continue to have stayed. I know the answer but it's hard to explain to anyone.

My advice to anyone in a similar spot is to find a way to get out and do it now. If you wait, you'll change your mind and be back in this boat in a few days, weeks or years, whatever your relationship cycle seems to be.

I stayed this time for a bit even after the emergency room and getting her out of jail, because she was sorry and wanted to work this out. She said she would get treatment. But I saw the pressure building and saw her acting the way she does when she's about to lose control of herself. And all I could see when I looked at her were the thousands of times she's had that rage in her eyes and all I could hear were the horrible words that she said.

I decided it was time to leave before she did something like take a knife to me.


@anon327585: I find your lack of empathy disturbing. Not all circumstances are the same as yours and because you may believe your husband has the financial ability to leave, and you do not, you believe that to be the only stumbling block for abused people. Just like not all abuse is physical, not all barriers to leaving are financial.

Men, for example, have a much harder time gaining custody because the court system in most jurisdictions shares your narrow bias, and the equally mistaken belief that mothers are more necessary to a child's upbringing than fathers.

My choice - even though I was the primary wage earner - was to depart and leave my children in a mentally abusive situation or stay and hope I could provide them a sense of self-worth.

I chose to stay. There are a lot of other psychological factors than come into play for people in abusive situations that may or may not apply to you or me, but which *do* apply to others and are no less valid than our own.

To belittle others or negate their issues is abusive itself. To treat you the same way you seem to be treating others here would be to point out how many services are available for abused women and tell you it would be easy for you to have left.


We have all been misled. Men are claiming abuse, even men who have financial resources to escape but don't.

I am amazed at the people of both sexes crying abuse, when nothing, nor a lack of funds stopped them from getting out. I guess now with women earning more than men in some cases, now the women are now abusive.

But what is the bottom line is that the person with lesser or no earnings at all is usually most often abused. So, whenever that reality exists, wake up. You can afford to get out; do so.

In my case, if my husband, who has a lot of resources (financial, and only under his control) who could legitimately could get out now claims (in answer to my legitimate abuse) he was a prisoner and the one abused, I just don't buy it. A truly abused person often is totally dependent on the abuser, financially. That was my case and it was textbook. He could have left and done all sorts of things to support himself. He didn't as in reality, he was the abuser and I had nothing to access to use to live elsewhere.

It was that which he used to control and triangulate, and abuse my freedoms to associate, be treated as an equal and free from abuse. Most abused people stay due to lack of any financial resources. When a man worth half a million only he can access in his sole control retirement and he claims abuse, yeah, right. You can get out quite nicely. You are not abused, but claiming so to cover up your abuses on a person with no financial resources.


Read the book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It'll provide great help as it has for us!


I live in Washington County, Ore. In August, my wife and I had an altercation. I ended up being slapped repeatedly and having a hot cup of coffee thrown in my face. The sheriffs office was called immediately, pictures of my injuries taken, and my wife taken into custody.

For some reason, the district attorney decided not to file charges and now we are not getting the help we need. I think that the district attorney is discriminating against me because of my past criminal history. How can they just drop the charges when clearly a crime was committed?


I've been married for 23 years. Before we got married, I always needed to be far from her mother. She treated her husband like dirt. Back then, my wife-to-be swore up and down that she was not like her mother, never would be. She "understood" the problems. Well, of course now, she is turning into her mother, or worse. I think she is in the early stages of Major Depression.

We have no children, but live comfortably. People driving by think we live on an estate (it isn't really). I just happened to buy it at a firesale price in a terrible market 23 years ago. Not bragging, just saying we have a nice lifestyle. And back then I worked my tail off for 20 years, paid off all the debt. And we have cash as well now.

Back then, I always made more than my wife, sometimes double. But my job was killing me, with the massive hours and the commute. So five years ago she agreed (urged me) I would quit my job, and start a computer-based business. In five years I have had ups and downs, but have made an average of $30K/year working from home. I'm hoping to fine tune that business soon, and make much more money.

Problem is, my wife's major depression is setting in. MD is basically "the glass is half empty" – on steroids. Four years ago, I actually bought a white greaseboard for our kitchen. I told my wife that every day we each had to write something positive on the grease board (e.g.,"today I am thankful for my good health"). She refused to do it and started arguing with me.

Her MD got really bad after both her parents passed away 10 years ago. Now, since I quit my "day" job to work on starting my own business, she's yelling non-stop about how she is supporting me. As with other guys here, the insults are non-stop.

I drink, sometimes too much. But never, ever have I started an argument with her when I was drunk. I just fall asleep. I've never hit her either. And actually, I rarely start arguments with her in any state. One time she backed her car out of the garage with the driver's door still open. It cost $1000 to fix that, but I never said a word to her about it.

This past week, I had some prescription codeine (bad head cold). I stopped taking it two nights ago. Last night I had a small bottle of merlot with dinner. The residual effects of the codeine were still in my system. I fainted, and crashed to the floor.

She started screaming at me for being "drunk". She called for an ambulance. Within a minute, I had come around, and was fine. I told her to cancel the ambulance but they showed up anyway. I walked outside to greet them, assured them it was a false alarm, and all was well. The paramedics agreed I looked OK, so they were leaving.

Just then, my wife ran out to the ambulance, jumped in, and started screaming to them how she was abused by me, she was supporting me, and I drink too much. I could hear it from the outside. She had such a smug look on her face. In less than five minutes, a state trooper cruiser pulled in the driveway, with two guys inside. I walked over to the car. The driver's window open and I leaned over, and started to tell them about the cough medicine and the bottle of wine. The guy in the driver's seat just looked up at me and asked "Sir, do you feel safe in your house?" I responded somehow yes (even if that might not be true).

The troopers knew about my wife in the ambulance. They must have gotten texted about the torrent of rage coming from her mouth. Rage is the precursor to violent crime. And the state cops want to know about rage and violent crime. So, it seems to some extent, they were on my side.

When they all left, and my wife and I came back inside, she started into a litany of things she told the ambulance people about me: that I was a dirtbag, lowlife, alcoholic, etc. She didn't know about the state troopers who showed up. Then I told her that ambulance people must have texted for the state police assistance because of her. She is very quiet today. No screaming. She actually made dinner for me. Hope this story helps someone.


I was reading this page by chance. My wife and U argue so much to the point where I have lost count how many times the police have turned up to our house. There was one time that I told the police they didn't fully understand the situation, that the restriction of freedom by my wife stress me to a point of carefully planning a few fail safe plans to suicide.

I was telling the police how my wife would force me and lock me in the apartment that I had no escape from, apart from jumping down from the balcony (we live on the second level). The police used to laugh at my face and even belittle me more by saying, "Look what you are doing: crying in front of me! Be a man!"

To whatever man in Australia who is trying to tell the police you are being abused by your wife, good luck. You will need it. I have learned through dealing with the police in Australia, that they automatically assume the man is the problem. Even if the man is the one being abused, they still humiliate the man in front of your wife, in front of your family and in front of other officers.

So often now my wife would tell me "you are a useless piece of crap, that even the police will tell you to 'be a man.'"

Now I have learned the police in Australia are fully ignorant, I have learned not to trust the police intend to help, not to tell them anything and not to tell them how abusive my wife is. At least I save my dignity.


@anon170130 Post 43: That mentality is the very reason there is a huge disparity in the treatment of male victims of domestic violence. The same studies that are used to illustrate the gravity of female victims illustrate that men are victims as well. For you to say that "Men will resort to any excuse..." shows the adversity that male victims face every day. Domestic and intimate partner violence is not just something suffered by women.

I am a male victim of domestic violence. I never laid a hand on my ex-wife, while she punched, kicked, slapped, threw things at me, and dug her nails so deep into my wrist that I bled and have scars. I empathize with your plight, but don't assume that men can't be victimized.


I have been reading these posts with my heart breaking for these posters. I am female, and was in a marital situation for years that was frightening, demeaning and demoralizing. My husband had a hair-trigger temper, and would relentlessly yell and put down the people in his family.

My soon-to-be-ex directed his physical abuse towards the kids – he said at one point that he knew it hurt me more that way – and he also knew he was safer that way, with a few relatively minor exceptions. I was so beaten down mentally that I felt that I had to execute the perfect getaway, and by delaying until I could pull it off, I kept my children and myself in daily hell for years, wasted years. We lived in fear for increasingly longer stretches, and then it would get better, and for a long time I thought that the bad was the exception, the good was normal, until it became obvious that the reverse was true and I was denying it.

This is why I am moved to post this. I see the same rationalizations posted here that I told myself. Even thought this is addressing males who were battered, I'm posting this because my heart goes out to people (regardless of gender) who are victims of domestic violence, and I would like to say to you what I wish someone had said to me, what it took me years to figure out: Get out!

It's impossible to think through this while you're living it. If it means that you have to walk out the door, down to the corner, and stick your thumb out, and get out. There is no way to find your strength and to find yourself again while you are vulnerable.

If I had left when it first started to get bad, I would have given a clear message: this is unacceptable, and if you want there to be an “us,” you have to change. As long as I stayed, I was inadvertently condoning the behavior, giving him the green light.

If I had left when the kids were little, and he was younger and more motivated, we might have had a chance of working things out, because the line would have been drawn in the sand: either change, or you lose us. Period.

I let my fear and my hope rule my decisions, and it should have been rationality ruling instead. What I realize in retrospect I should have done was to get out, and to require that we go through family counseling for at least six months, and that he go through batterers counseling. And let him know he's got one chance after that – one – to get it right. Steps over the line, and it's over. And then find the strength within myself to follow through.

Someone above posted: "Where is the love?" Answer: not there. That's not what love looks like. That is not what love looks like.

He or she also asked, "How bad is it? Really?" Answer: really, really bad.

Secondary victimization is what happens when the people you turn to for help criticize and question you; they can hurt as much as the primary abuse. When you finally get the courage up to ask for help, and have the system turn against you, it's devastating. Use the experiences of others who have been in the same position (read the posts above) and prepare yourself for the possibility that this can happen. Be strong, even though you don't feel strong at all.

The abuse is real. You're not exaggerating the situation. You are not making a mountain out of a molehill; you're attempting to make a molehill out of a mountain.

The reality described above is that the answer to the question, "Where is the help for men?" may be, in reality, nowhere. There might not be one person on this planet who will help you. But you still are worthy of helping yourself. Even if no one believes you, ever, believe yourself.

I had a friend years ago who gave me the same advice posted above: keep a log. I didn't, because to write this down meant that I had to admit that it was really happening. My soon-to-be-ex denies it still, and tries to do the crazy-in-the-head manipulation stuff that he did when we were together. It's hard, hard, hard to not get sucked into conversations like that, but it helps me remember why I had to leave.

You can do this. Read the posts of the people who have family members that they are watching in this situation. They would help in a heartbeat if the victim would accept it. Put aside false pride, and take the help if you have it available.

I'm really sorry to hear that there are people who work at women's shelters who are so lethally critical. Try calling the local homeless shelter. I bet that there are men who go there for just that reason if there are no other options.

When it comes down to it, this is not a gender issue as much as it is a victim issue. It's just that it's complicated by the horrific reality of not being believed. Would it help you to know that some women also have to deal with this? My husband is a faithful member of his church, and has a lot of friends who sympathize greatly with the poor man whose wife (the b-word) left him and took the kids. It hurts, but you harden yourself to that crap. I figure the God-fearing ones will have to answer for that some day. That's between them and their conscience. The people who love you will stick with you, and the rest do not matter.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but it's real, and in the end, no one can save you but yourself. Every day spent in fear and pain and sorrow is a day wasted.

And to the person who is in love with someone who still says, "Go ahead, hit me..." after getting out of a spousal abuse situation, run, do not walk, to counseling. Your beloved still needs help, and more than just the kind that you can give. Give your relationship a chance by talking to a counselor yourself and getting this guy into victim's counseling. Those are some powerful dynamics, and the pain just keeps on keeping on unless it stops. He is still in a relationship with his ex, because she still controls him.

To everyone here who has posted your stories, I am so sorry that you are living like this, or have lived with it. You deserve better. Don't stay with someone because of money; there isn't enough money in the world to make it worth that. It's a lot harder when kids are involved, but these manipulators know how to control you, and will use whatever it takes to do that.

This is the problem that you're too close to see: you still want to play fair. You want to speak truth and be heard. You think that if you can explain clearly enough, and talk things through, you will finally convince the other person of your position. It won't work because this isn't about truth, honesty or rightness in this other person's eyes; it's about power and control and winning. If you want to stay in a relationship with this person, then you have to be willing to fight on that level, and the only leverage you have is to vote with your feet. You have the power over something she (or he) wants, and that is continuing to be in a relationship with you. Get strong, get out (or get out and get strong) and then draw the line: you do this or it is over forever. Or just get out.

There is no other better day. Take this from one who wasted years trying to fix things. If this is not your problem, you can't fix it! All you can do is let her (or him) know that you won't tolerate it. And hats off to the posters above who got out. Let them be your mentors. There is life beyond hell. But you've got to be the one to open the door and walk out.


I got pissed off for years. I'm miles away from my ex, living my own life, etc, yet my ex still manages to somehow accuse me of "threatening her". Really? Imposing rules in my house, without her consent is "threatening", or "scares" her. I'm at the point now, were I"m laughing at the cops when they show up. And telling them bluntly, "my house, my rules". She doesn't have a say here. have a good night officer, you want a beer, etc.


I once called the police because my girlfriend at the time punched me in the nose and refused to leave. The police walked through my house laughing at me. Their attitude was shocking, considering the woman had clearly hit me square in the nose.

They laughed, and were mocking me for being beat up by a woman until an announcement came over their walkie-talkies, that the women was wanted on an extraditable offense in georgia. Interesting, the police who were laughing at me, took the woman away, and didn't say one word to me. Not one word.


My son's X got caught trying to steal three of our vehicles. I called the police, but did not follow through. The police let her and her accomplice walk. she was the mother of three children, and I didn't have the heart to pursue.

However, not long after, she claimed that my son menaced her and her new boyfriend (after she had called him and asked for help with her car, she showed up with her new boyfriend). She claimed he menanced them with a knife. A knife would have normally been in the car, but by some strange luck, I took it out to cut open hay bales and forgot to return it. She also claimed that drugs were in the truck box.

However, the police didn't find a knife, and didn't even find a truck box. What's interesting, is that they still charged him with menacing (as this was the nth time, the police had been called), and later dropped all charges, but not before offering him a plea deal. What?

Nothing she said was true, and how can you "menance" someone who has been caught stealing from you? Yet, when all is said and done, there was no knife and no truck box. Why wasn't the women arrested? Oh yeah. she's a welfare troll on public assistance.


I once shared a house with a man, whose ex would not stop the harassment, in NJ. I thought he was exaggerating, but after a few months, I had to ask him to leave. She even called 911, multiple times, and even posed as the 90 year old neighbor. I know the neighbor, I mow her lawn, and see that she's OK. She cannot hear.

When the police showed the caller, ID, it came from his ex's cell phone. When the police figured out there was no real complaint, they dropped the investigation and did not file charges against the woman. I'm sure if it was a guy, they would have pursued him for harassment.


I have an ex who has continued the abuse for 17 years. Women are much better at manipulation then men, and an evil woman can easily manipulate the system.

I'm at the point now where I've come to the realization, that I've got to disappear, even from my own children. Perhaps even leave the country. She will not stop.

I'm hundreds of miles away, and she's still calling 911, and posing as my neighbors. Rather then arrest her, the cops just drop it, when they find a crying woman is behind the nonsense. And sometimes, as absurd as it sounds, local 911 forwards the call to my area. This type of abuse has got to stop.


My ex would push me against a wall, pick me up off the ground, and kick me in the shins. (I weighed 170, she weighed 300). But later, she'd cry and play the victim role, like I had caused it. Call me crazy, but that was the worst abuse.

When I recently yelled at her, for stealing money from me (Larceny? Embezzlement?), she actually called me psychotic, and said she might have to file a restraining order. Then don't steal money. I loaned our son money to buy a car, and he could not pay it back, so, he asked her to sell it, then she used the money to pay her bills and said she was borrowing it! You've got to be kidding me. the prisons are filled with women who are just borrowing money, What makes this special? Oh yeah -- she's my ex.


My ex called 911 and reported gunfire in my house. I thought for sure the police would finally defend me (I was at home drinking, on my couch). My home is 200 miles away from hers. Her "source" was actually with me drinking, and told her something different (we were shooting outside). Yet, they did not arrest her.

She was 200 miles away, and in another state, but I drove to her local prosecutor's office, and was met with an honest, nice male prosecutor, who showed me a 4 inch binder. He said this is the binder of women we believe are abusing the current system, and calling 911, and abusing the system. You've been harassed six times in 15 years. Would you like to jump ahead of this guy who gets harassed multiple times a week? I can only prosecute two women a month, or I look like I don't support women's issues, etc. I told him to forget my complaint and pursue the women harassing her husband multiple times a week with 911 calls. No, this was not me. Ugh.

Then my ex stole money from me after calling 911 six times in multiple years. You'd think the system would realize that a women who steals is not really "afraid", but they failed to prosecute once again. I'm dumbstruck.


My little brother is abused by his wife. She also abuses her daughter that he adopted, and their son. He is much bigger than her, but will stand there and take it rather than fight back. I know, because he comes here and to my mom's to get away, and we have taken pictures of the damage.

He sleeps in his vehicle with the door locked, because when she is angry she follows him and won't give him any peace. Once she went upstairs where he was sleeping and he was awakened by her beating him.

She throws things, has tried to choke him, verbally, mentally, and emotionally abuses him and threatens financial and career ruin. She gets into knock down drag outs with her daughter and they tear holes in the walls of their home. But if he tries to calm them down or intervene, they turn on him. She has learned to react just as her mom behaves- dealing her fire for fire.

She's always emptying his bank account and writing letters to his bosses slandering people in the office as well as the boss. She exhibits borderline personality disorder. She is manipulative, and tries to portray herself in her online presence as just the opposite.

She has hurt everyone in our family and shows a lot of insecurity and jealousy. She has left my 84 year old grandmother in tears and my father has forbidden her from his house. We live in fear she is going to kill someone.

My brother has changed from a happy person to a haunted, defeated person. He is afraid to call the police. He knows he will most likely be seen as the instigator or bring shame to the family. Our family has never had anything of any sort happen, and we do not want to be viewed as trashy people. We have always had a good community standing.

I do not understand the vitriol some women posters on here spew - and deny that this happens. It does. My brother and his son come here to get away from her. He's eight and he will tell me, "mama's gone crazy again" when he shows up here if my brother is away from home. I fear for all of us.

He was raised not to divorce, and he also fears financial devastation and as we all have adjoining properties and my parents have an expensive shared shop building with him on their property he is afraid to lose it. She threatens to get rid of my grandaddy's tools he used and inherited from his father. There are some other huge sums of undocumented money my parents gave them that complicate things. There are at least some e-mail records showing where she has discussed with my mom when she would be making payments back to mom. It is a huge mess.

The abuse is very real, I have witnessed it, and it is like someone flipped a switch. We all walk on eggshells. My children cannot stand her because of her treatment of them and others in the family that they personally witness.

She is totally wicked, and she is good at projecting a different image showing forethought- oh, she's a great actress. But people close to us are catching on.

I started researching this topic for an essay because of what goes on and I am shocked to find the negativity and rhetoric stating this is a myth or can be attributed back to the man in some way. Some people need a reality check.

Not taking anything away from a bettered woman, but really, stop the bias. It is harming society and keeping men and families from getting help and healing. It affects all family members.


RE: anon81500 posted response to "What happened to love." For over 20 years I've had nothing but love for my wife. I still love her. Put up with a lot of grief over the years too. Can handle the put-downs and bi-polar crocodile tears and such but eventually enough is enough. The breaking point came at the point of a gun. She fired at me. Thank God she missed. And no, it wasn't a "mistake." She jacked the slide twice to ensure a live round was in the chamber.

Take her back? Not on your life. Word of advice to all you men out there: when the wife starts acting "crazy" get out. You may not be so lucky as I.


This is amazing. Men will resort to any excuse. It is my contention that the so called "battered husband" is nothing more than a turn around, somewhat like the old, "I know you are but what am I?” game. I am appalled we would as a society would not see this for what it is. I am, and have been told an emotionally abused woman, and was for years until I understood I did nothing to deserve this.

This is my husband's third marriage, and I suspect he was drinking and lying and abandoning and neglecting back then too. When I tried to speak with him years ago about his "abuse", like everything else he just turned the tables and projected that he was the victim and has worked very hard to create the illusion that he wants others to see that it is he that is being abused. He too, is a police officer, with a retirement account in his name only (found that one out too late) and he uses this money to control exactly what he wants and is constantly threatening to throw me and my child out on the street, if we don't cater to his "mental illness" or lying around doing nothing if he can't do exactly what he wants. Lately it is just me he threatens and actively practices mind control and interrogation tactics learned in Vietnam and the police department to put me in no win situations. All abuse isn't physical. They trained him to not do this. As a police officer, however, the mental and emotional abuse never ends.

My daughter and I are totally financially dependent on him, as he never "allowed" me to work or have any money of my own by any means. He liked me being dependent so he could control me better. I won't go into just how he controls, but the financial dependence is clearly the main way.

He is claiming he is abused for sympathy and control over me. Any attempt to protect myself or daughter from his mental and alcoholic mind games, he claims is abuse. Unreal. I find it hard to believe that a man with tons of money he can access at any time he wants (I can't) and transportation, a former police officer to boot, can be "abused" by a totally dependent smaller and unarmed woman. What a joke. One even claimed he hit his wife in "self defense". This is an insult to women everywhere. What is more troubling is the courts are buying this nonsense.


There is no help for battered husbands. Believe me on this! The justice system is all about women. I tried and I was laughed at! Battered husbands need to band together. We all have our inner hurts and pains.


I was lucky! I went through one and a half years of my wife hitting me, grabbing my throat, throwing dishes at me, throwing liquids in my face, bruising me severely, bruising or cracking a rib (never went to a doctor), literally ripping a tee shirt off my back, laughing at me, telling me I was a weak man, calling me names, cursing at me, always telling me that I was gay for not wanting to have sexual relations with her (what real man would want to have sex with an abusive wife?).

One night after one of her violent episodes, I ran upstairs into a bedroom and locked the door. She proceeded to put two large holes in the door. I called 911, the cops came, she suddenly "changed" from this violent, angry person to this "crying, hurt" woman. The cops did nothing. I showed them the door that she destroyed, and they just said that it was considered "vandalism". Once the cops left, she suddenly turned into this very evil person and told me "You will be sorry that you ever called the cops on me"! I knew then that I needed to make a plan to move out and get away from her! It took two weeks for me to open up a separate checking account, put a deposit down on an apartment, and begin slowly to move some of my stuff while she was at work. It was pure hell! I was sleeping upstairs behind a locked door with a loaded gun. Now, I have been moved for three weeks. I still sleep in my apartment behind a locked bedroom door with a loaded gun. I have lost everything, literally! Yet, I have my life and am trying to get my sanity back.


A couple of things that have helped our family reduce arguing and getting upset was to improve our health by increasing our vitamin B12 and D3, iron levels and exercise.

Insufficient, deficient and low levels of these vitamins/minerals can produce serious psychological and behavioral problems. This is easily checked out online.

All these things and many others can be tested by your doctor.

There are other, more serious, ailments that can do the same thing: Take a look at the book, "When Psychological Symptoms Mask Medical Disorders."

For example, one ailment that can disturb your behavior is low thyroid. There are many others.

At least take a look at these things. They may not solve all or even most problems but can help many people. Even kids are subject to low vitamins levels.


I decided to create a very routine life for us so i could minimize her tantrums. I take holidays on my own, pretending they are business trips, as I know that holidays with her are impossible.


I am in the same situation as everyone else. I am currently going through a divorce from my STBX. She has sociopathic tendencies. I have been a stay at home dad since our son was born (three years). Nothing I did was ever good enough. As the years went by my self esteem has decreased to where I am today.

I hope that we can work this out but she has already moved on. She has no empathy or compassion. I don't believe in divorce but now I know that you have to end this. It only gets worse. The way I am dealing with this now is no or minimal contact. I am getting better every day by doing this.


Since the court doesn't listen and believe your testimonies and scars, then give them some evidence to prove it. try hiding cameras and tape recorders around the house (the usual places where the violence occurs or just bug the whole house if there's not one place). also try carrying a recorder with you if she flips out on you in public. you'll have to make sure she doesn't find it or else.

the court has to listen to you now that you've presented them with critical evidence. now, let's see how this works out.


My wife has been making my life miserable for years. Everything revolves around her needs. My kids have no relationship with her. They feel like she is just a cook and laundry person. She thinks she is the best mom because she puts dinner on the table and all they want is for her to show some interest in their lives.

She has mentally abused me for years. If you have read any of the posts, you will see that it's not the single comment that does so much damage and hurt but it's the multiple doses of it that ultimately bring so much pain to the very core. Anything i say or do can be misconstrued by her that causes an argument or verbal fight.

She takes the opposite opinion of anything I say. Claims that anything I do that is good and nice is just an act for impressions. I have a home business and people who work for me see what she does to me on a daily basis. They say they never saw a husband that does so much for the household and the kids.

They have seen her in her tirades to me and my poor kids beg me just to put up with it and not to confront her just to keep the peace. Since I have nowhere to go and no family in my state, I am trapped. and I have my home business that is my only source of income so i can't leave it. Or the customers who are counting on me to provide my services to them. Otherwise I would leave her.

We have basically resorted to living like roommates. When we are together or try to reconcile, she sabotages me. Criticizing my love making, expects me to want her after she has betrayed me and cut me down and nagged me all day.

Over the years we have had our share of arguments that have escalated into a bad fight. We have about one or two a year besides the daily bickering. The only way we get over them is me having to apologize and swear that I will do what she wants in the marriage.

I am a very loving and giving person but she only sees what she needs and wants. she has mentally abused me to the point where I can't take it any more.

Regretfully, I have punched her during an occasion fight- not a beating, but a punch or two out of sheer desperation. begging her to stop crying for her to leave me alone. I know that it is wrong. Of course, once that happens, it is all about me and my anger.

I am the happy go lucky guy who would never do that, yet she taunts me and loves to bring me to the emotional edge that make me crazy.

I regret the times where i hit her. She has hit me in the past, broken things etc., kept me up all night when i had an important meeting in the morning to be at. Recently she has had public arguments with me in restaurants or shopping malls or even the grocery store, holding me hostage to her behavior until i could get her out of the place.

Every fight results in the silent treatment by me and her. We avoid each other and I wait for her to apologize but she never does. Eventually, our lives get back to normal, kids, holidays, responsibilities etc and we some how find our happy groove and then something triggers it and it starts all over again.

I just don't know what to do. i can't take it any more and be quiet so i speak up. I defend myself. I call her out on how she is treating me and it results in these fights. not with the hitting. that is very very rare. It's still not right. i know that, but i am only human. I am resolved to leave or walk out of the house if i see the situation leading to that.

I am sad that i won't get to have the love that she claims she has for me that make her hate me so much. I have a lot of love to give but how can I express it to someone who is so hateful to me. So she feels alone, and ignored and blames me, not understanding that it's her own behavior to me that keeps me away. I don't know what to do.


I've been in an abusive relationship with my wife of only 4.5 years. She was mean to me when we were engaged but I foolishly thought I could love it out of her, so to speak.

Now we have a beautiful three year old boy whom I would gladly give my life for and that makes things harder for me. I would have the same heart for my wife but she has wrung my soul dry. Just a few minutes ago she threw stuff at me again and carried on like an insane person. I am lost.


This was quite helpful. As an emotionally battered husband, and despite my personal belief in my own intelligence, it was, as one of the other posters mentioned, death by a thousand cuts. Each too small to really complain about, but a pattern I wish I had seen.

Did many of the things mentioned here: worked outrageous hours even though it meant missing the kids; hid in the basement "office" when at home; etc. She was the one left the bedroom, using the excuse I was snoring. Had all my life, including the 15 years before she suddenly found it a problem.

Took the loveless life for another 15 years. And finally found a Kitty Kat-like lady - someone who smiles when I show up! Had forgotten how nice that is. Now, as the divorce thing slowly proceeds, she continues to do things to drive me from the house. She's admitted it to me - that is what she intends. Also brags that she knows me well and can hurt me emotionally at a moment's notice. She calls it her "best tool".

In my ignorance, I thought I was protecting the children. Now my 29-year-old daughter is reading me her diaries - the name-calling, threats and demoralizing taunts my girls lived with. Though for the most part, I dealt with each occurrence, I was oblivious to the pattern; made excuses for her; bought her "everyone always picks on me" line.

After all this, it's pretty clear that I failed my kids - the beautiful souls God entrusted me with, and I blew it.

There is no help for men in Calgary. My wife found out she had contracted hepatitis (I have tested clear) and spit in my face. This is legally assault, and with the disease, aggravated assault in Canada.

The cops I called told me it was a "he said - she said" situation (while I sit there with spit all over me) and tried to bait me into acting irrationally toward them.

The point? Keep records as has been suggested; find a way to confirm your own self-worth; get out while you can; watch out for your children.


@amypollick: Thanks for your advice, but we were evaluated by a court appointed psych. and both of us took a 500 question test a MMOP-2 and also a verbal exam by the doctor.

The results were shocking. The examiner concluded she was a victim of long term emotional and physical abuse by me (what she told the examiner)

But the 500 questionnaire she answered did not support his opinion of her being a victim of domestic violence.

In other words, she lied to him about abuse from me and he bought it, but the written exam doesn't support his opinion of the verbal exam results.

My results were said that I am unforgiving and suffer from PTS and I admitted that already (from being a cop for 20 yrs in the streets of NYC)

but really that was all.

What is damaging is what she has fabricated and is playing on.

Keep in mind that I have two children age 18 and 16 who have lived with us during this time she states that she was abused, and I am trying to keep them out of this, but unfortunately I am going to have to request that they testify against her.

Strangely enough, CPS and the Law Guardian I feel are avoiding asking the two children if she was physically and emotionally abused over the years because they know this never happened to her

(gender bias rears its ugly head again).

On top of all this she has left a scar on my 18 year old's face from when he was nine years old and beat up my 16 year old when she was eight years old.

All this was told to everyone and the powers that be, by me, but goes ignored. But what she tells them is weighed as truth. I wish I could bring this to someone's attention how biased the system is and how the children's best interest is not, in fact, the goal here. They're more interested in not accusing and proving that a mother and wife has been abusive to her children and husband for years. They're not concerned about addressing this because it's taboo.

Its just a very messy situation I don't wish on any dad. Thanks, wolves.


@wolves: I am not a lawyer, but my sister works in the mental health field and said what you are describing with your wife sounds like the onset of clinical depression or mental illness of some kind. She said you should ask your attorney to press for a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation with the doctor of your choice for this woman, to see if there is a quantifiable mental illness. If there is, the scales probably just tipped heavily in your favor.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.


I am a 53 year old man, a retired police officer and I have been emotionally and physically abused over the last four years by my wife.

I finally drew the line in May 2010 when she pushed me during a verbal argument over her not helping me raise our three children ages 18, 16 and nine years old.

I have raised the children alone and did all the house cleaning and other parental nurturing, cooking and emotional support for the children alone, over the past two years as she withdrew to locking herself in her room or just disappearing from the house for four to six hours daily. She even neglected my 16 year old daughter for two years to the point I had to take over the female concerns for my daughter like bringing her to the gynecologist for a checkup and the Gardasil shots.

The mother started skin peeling and scab picking and twitching and her personal hygiene worsened to the point her bedroom looked like a drug addicts from not cleaning her it (I moved out of the bedroom two years ago and have slept in a walk in closet and had a clothes hamper outside my door for a dresser to hold my clothes) because she was gaining weight and started becoming more physically aggressive toward me and the children.

While the children attended school she would emotionally abuse me all day where I would have to leave the house. Over the past year my daily routine was to wake up at 5 a.m., prepare the coffee and go to the bathroom and vomit because I actually was afraid of what the day would hold for me and my nerves. It started to take a toll on me and eroding my strength and I became unable to function as the father anymore and lost my identity.

For the children's interest and my own health I planned an escape, leased a house, filed for custody of the children and told her I was leaving with the children.

I was granted temporary physical custody of the children and joint legal. The mother has visitation with the nine year old only and since then Child Protective Services was court ordered as well as an order of protection against her.

She has since filed for custody and divorce. And you think this is all in my favor. Well, you're wrong. She has now claimed to everyone in the court system that she is the victim of long term emotional and physical abuse from me which as affected her to the point she could not function as a mother any longer. In other words, she has adopted the only defense she could use -- the battered wife syndrome -- to cover her abuse and neglect toward the children and myself in her parental skills and as a wife.

The children's court appointed law guardian, who is a female, has been advocating for her, and she comes to court hearings with a women representative from the battered women's shelter and has adopted the theory that she has all the emotional problems with herself because of me.

And the scary part is that the powers to be are swallowing this, dismissing everything I have claimed, as far as police reports against her for her physical abuse on me, child neglect reports for her improper behavior toward the children and even after her being arrested twice and charged with reckless endangerment and endangering the welfare of a minor, as well as my statements of extreme emotional abuse from her over the last two years, including sleeping in a walk in closet to escape her.

I have a lawyer and presently we are in court proceedings and it's costing me a fortune. I still have my children in my custody and moved with them here in June 2010 and things are better for them, but as for me my life is a living hell still.

So if this could happen to a macho police Officer of 20 years, of strong character and virtues and bring me down to being a nervous wreck going up against a gender biased court system, all I can say is, it's a rough ride. Any advice? --wolves


My younger, married sister constantly abuses her husband mentally and emotionally. Family and friends have witnessed this for years and now the two young children are beginning to show signs of the impact of their arguments, emotional abuse, etc. My family and I do not know what to do. We cannot confront my sister as since from a young age, she always believes she is right and does not listen. We just don't know what to do.


I've been married for more than two years but we have been together for eight years before that. We did not live together throughout our long engagement and for the first time I am admitting that I am a battered husband.

It all started when I was fired illegally from my job a few months after we were married. She had a bigger salary and she supported us financially for a few months. As I look back, even when I was working she would find ways to get me out of the office to attend to her needs, like picking her up from work, even though she knew perfectly well that I worked nights and couldn't do so on a regular basis.

When I lost my job, she decided we move in with her parents while I was looking for a job and while we were getting our condo fixed. It was then that the physical abuse began. I have been hit with a belt buckle on the head during an argument. There have been times that she would threaten me with a knife. She even tried to blind me by spraying lysol in my eyes.

The sad part is through it all she would apologize later and then repeat the said attacks. We have tried counseling and it appeared to work. We decided to move out of her parents' home but unfortunately the attacks recurred. She even hit me with an extension cord which struck me on the forehead. While blood was flowing from the wound, I told her I was leaving her and she clung to my leg and apologized.

The physical abuse even came to a point that I woke up one evening and she was trying to remove my shorts and she had a pair of scissors in her hands which really scared me. She often threatened me with a knife and even told me she would kill me if she caught me with someone else.

Now she has turned the tables on me and said I was the one abusing her. I'm not a big person by Western standards at 5 ft 8 but my wife is 5'1 and if I did anything near physical retaliation, i am sure it would leave a mark somewhere. I decided to leave her and we have been apart for almost three weeks now. I still love her but I just wish the abuse would stop and I could finally have a happy marriage!

After reading the stories here, I finally got the courage to admit that I am also a battered husband.


I wrote, "What happened to Love?" I am guessing no one here saw that the way it was said. I mean guys, do you love her? For a brief moment, like the 6 foot dude here. Do you see her as someone you love who needs help? "Get out!" to me sounds pretty hopeless. Do you love her? period.

Not behavior, not being treated all nice in the home, not romance. But what did you marry her for? Love? Regardless of issues? Honesty with self would be very very nice here.

Dude, if you loved what she did for you and is now not doing that, at least call it what it is. If you love her, the person, issues aside, move aside and love can make it through and change will come.

She is not a monster; something is wrong. She needs you to be stronger than that. Really, honestly, how bad is it, really? And I do not mean compared to the fantasy stories of a happy ever after. Really, on a 100 percent level, how bad is it? And is your own ego really that important?

Do you love your ego more than her? Simple. Very simple. You love her, the actual person, or you love what she did or what you thought this would be, a picture. You picture is tarnished. Who cares? She is a human being and the one you claimed to love. What if you were ill? Should you be tossed away then?

No condemning here -- really just at least be honest with your own self. Do you love her or not?


I am not sure what to do in this situation. I recently found myself married to a woman I have found to have bi-polar manic-depressive tendencies. I should have saw the red flag when she spent a week in the local psych ward to 'even out her medication'.

She is constantly putting me down and telling me how I have ruined her life and hits me all the time. Granted, it doesn't physically hurt me as I am six feet and two twenty and she is five-two and about one-thirty pounds but I am beginning to feel the weirdest emotional psychological stress and strain.

My three teenage daughters refuse to visit now, and I fear for the safety of her three year old daughter whom she is critical towards as well.

I want to leave, but it is difficult as I have been laid-off for three months and our church is helping with our bills and rent.

I feel like there are no resources for me anywhere, but I don't know how much longer I can take this abuse.


"What happened to love?" Has this dawned on anyone commenting here? Just what happened to how people define 'Love'?


I have just visited this site for the first time because my son is being abused by his wife. My heart goes out to you all. My advice is get out and stay out. It will never get better only worse. Even if you leave with nothing your life will be better. If there are children involved, fight for them; you are doing them no favors by stay 'for their sakes'


For the woman whose brother was found hanging in the garage, you have my sympathies. It sounds like your brother found the wrong woman to marry, or she found him. I hope that you can one day find peace in your heart.


to me i think society should have something for abused men, they should get help just like women. maybe we could try to get something done for them being abused is not fun i have been there when my kids were little they seen everything that their dad did to me. he even unplugged the phone one night and told them that he could do anything to me and there wasn't anything they could do.

thank god i showed my daughter how to plug the phone cord up and how to call 911 at this time he was out of the house but still came back forcing sex with the kids listening.

Until this day i still do not trust any guy and this happened like six or seven years ago. i wish i could help your son.


i have been seeking help and have only received a polite message asking me to leave my information. i have many, many times. why is a man not able to get help?

i have contemplated taking my life to escape this person's abusive attempt to manipulate our system that is greatly swayed towards women.

I am afraid my pleas are falling on deaf ears, and like a dog i am being backed into a corner. this is when a man snaps, and i am afraid i will snap and am seeking help.

i am not a violent man but if put in a position, I will do what i have to to preserve myself, or should i take my own life and avoid the system that has no help for men.


I am a battered husband who finally left. I feel better about leaving after reading all of these posts. Thank you all very much. free@last


I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful, loving, kind and considerate man. He is my dream come true and I love him dearly. However he is a victim of spousal abuse from his previous relationship. It breaks my heart to see him flinch if I make a sudden move near him and if we get into a disagreement and I get frustrated he says "go ahead and hit me" I would *never* do so. How can you abuse the person you love? The things he tells me that his ex did to him are numerous and make me so angry at this woman for being so callous. He was verbally and emotional abused daily, punched, slapped, threatened with a knife, sliced across the chest -- even kicked in the jaw. He had the strength to leave her and pursue happiness with me thank god! He's still suffering because they have two small children, 8 and 3, and he does not get to see or speak to them much due to her manipulations. One second she loves him and wants him back and the next he's a piece of crap again. The few times he has gone to see the kids she has still tried to swing at him, threatened to beat herself and call the cops on him, even tried to lock him in a room and rape him. Terrible behavior! Every day he is healing and hopefully he can recover from all of this with the caring, love and support that I and good friends and family give to him. For all those battered men out there I have one thing to say: get out! Your children will not benefit by you staying and there are people out there who can and will help and love you the right way.


What if she has made sure you didn't have a credit card and took all your money.

With no friends or family where are you supposed to go? I`m so depressed I am thinking the only way out is killing myself. I see no point in anything anymore she has taken all that I ever needed and turned it against me.

I`m lost and hurt so bad!


all the women and men who have been abused by their wife and husband, please do not tolerate. go for help and if it gets worse, do not stay. go to police or family to help you, OK? do not wait for the last moment, please.


I used to be the abuser,now the roles have changed for the the worse. Tonight my wife started in on me about a table that got broken a week ago. I tried to leave the house,but she would stand in front of me and and block my path. My wife owns a .380 caliber hand gun and always talks about using it on me. So i did not force my way past her. my daughter was in the other room watching tv. she is 16 years old.

She came out with two butcher knives in both hands and started walking towards me like she was going to stab me. my wife stopped her and I left out the house. I really think she was going to do me in. The saying is true, "you reap what you sole". I am lost and confused with this situation.


This article is so true. i have suffered a very similar marriage with a crazy wife the end came after she cut her hand deeply and told the police that i did it and i am to appear in court for this with the threat of jail. about a month later a letter came from her solicitor wanting a reconciliation. no way would i go back. i suffered years of her abuse before this. I advise any man who reads this to get out. i am losing thousands and my kids, but no way will i go back to that. The authorities only recognize women as getting abused and are not interested when a man is the victim !!!!


After having just googled "verbal abuse" I couldn't believe the list of signs and how much they matched my current living situation. I walk on egg shells, do not call friends, cannot even make reference to members of the opposite sex (unless they're lesbians, a fact I often make up about people to avoid assaults). I can't believe how many times I've been called horrible names by someone who seemed so sweet and lovely when we met.

The big clue came when I met her parents and saw how her mum treats her dad. He's a shell of a human being, whipped, berated for his clumsiness and muddle-headedness. He's constantly humiliated.

And it looks like someone is becoming her mother.

MY ADVICE: Start making an "ABUSE LOG" in a private email account that she cannot find.

Every time she throws something abusive at you, leave the room and try to find the time and space to email the incident to yourself. Don't elaborate or get emotional in the account, just state the exchange that took place.

The problem with emotional abuse is: it's like a "death by a thousand cuts." You can't isolate one incident as crippling because it seems so minor in isolation, and that's the defense an abusive partner will throw at you when you want to talk about how hurt you feel. They'll often say: "Don't be a little boy!" Or "Maybe you should just learn to have thick skin."

This will firstly give you strength but most of all a legitimate argument, but it means you have to bear with the abuse for a little while. I'm at the beginning stages of my log and the accounts are unbelievable when I read them objectively. My plan: bring the log to a therapist, then possibly bring it to a lawyer.

She threatens that I will never see our little girl again if I were to ever leave her. But realize that every time you log an abusive account, SHE is the one responsible for it, and SHE is the one making the relationship miserable.

Speak up. Be strong. But, mostly, be smart and rational.


I was a battered women and while in the shelter over-heard the workers answer phone calls from battered men. The answer to them was sorry but we only help abused women. The tone of voice they used was so demeaning and my heart went out to the men on the other line. I have seen men who were abused, it hurts them as much as it does us. As a society we need to fight to find a way to protect abused men as well as abused women. We need government funded shelters for men. But we also need men who are not afraid to step out and say I'm abused. We must always remember our children follow our patterns. The next life you save could be your sons'


my brother is in an abusive relationship. it is very hard for us as his family to watch this. It's not so much the physical abuse that is so hard it is the fact that the physical abuse causes emotional pain. he loves her and don't want us to step in. How can I help him break away with out pushing him away???


My brother was recently found dead, hanging in his garage, and the cops are trying to rule it a suicide although the marks on his head they are shrugging off as something from the fall after being cut down.

My brother constantly complained about how he 'fell' or bumped himself and always had some clumsy excuse for the marks on him. He was married 3 weeks....and I remember helping him remove carpet one day at his home prior to the wedding, and he needed something to cool him off because he has severe asthma and was exhausted. When I asked his wife to get him a fan or a wet towel she just stood there with a grimace on her face. I finally yelled and said, "you either get something or I will!" My brother's exact words were, "She thinks I'm worth more dead than alive." His words were enough to alarm me and when she heard it she just said, "Oh please, you know I'm worth so much more than you." I'm not sure if anyone else sees this as abuse, but I sure as heck saw it as abuse, and now he's suddenly dead? I really can't see him taking his own life, at home with his family there. Something just doesn't fit. In his obituary, she wrote that he "loved to hang out with friends and drink in Any garage".......and mind you she supposedly found him hanging in the garage. Does anyone find this weird???????


I was in an abusive relationship for 8 1/2 years. My marriage started out well, but as my wife became more successful in her career, she also became emotionally abusive and controlling. The emotional abuse escalated into physical abuse, and I remember the first time she threw a remote control into my head, I felt devastated. That abuse escalated to punching, kicking, breaking wine glasses over my head, and eventually she attacked me with a butcher knife. I felt ashamed to let anyone know, and felt trapped in the marriage because she made more money than me. As her success grew, she quickly forgot how I wrote all of her papers in college and helped promote her career. She thought she was superior to everyone including me. I tried to get us both in counseling, and she refused. The abuse became so unbearable, that when she took a trip to Mexico, I left her and filed for divorce. When she returned from the trip and found the divorce papers, she tried to reconcile only to put me back into the abusive cycle. Through the support of family and friends, I had the strength to break away. It has been 10 months now, and I am finally starting to heal. I am an ex special forces operative for the US military, and have a Masters degree. I am successful in my own right, but I always thought that things would get better even though they kept getting worse. I have never hit a woman, but had to restrain my ex when she attacked me with the knife. It bruised her arms, and she claimed that I hit her. Although the cops were never called, (Thank God), her sister who is a cop encouraged me to leave. I still feel somewhat humiliated considering my background, but trust me when I tell you that wife abuse and battered husband syndrome are real. On several occasions after she kicked the heck out of me, she would say who is going to believe that an ex-special forces trained soldier is getting beat up by his petite little wife. Thank the good lord that I finally came to my senses and left.


I have been abused by my wife for 20 years. I have tried everything to make her happy. She takes pills for depression and pain and sleep. She use to drink while she took them and was dangerous around the kids. She is violent when she runs out of her meds and takes it out on me and the kids. We have no sex life because of this. I don't know what to do. I feel trapped. She told me she wants a divorce. She has slept with other men on several occasions and denies it. If things do not go her way she attacks, even in restaurants and in front of customers which makes me embarrassed to be with her. I try to love but receive none in return. I wish there was an answer to this long term mess.


i have been a battered husband for 23 years. the last time was 3 wks. ago,she went to jail,got a protective order,dv pending.alone,depressed,and her family on her side,i was assleep when she attacked me,she is bi polar and on lithium but something else is wrong.i did nothing to provoke this attack,i just give up.


my son has been in an abusive relationship for 3 years. we told him for a long time that his wife needed help..he came up with scratches, busted lips, nose etc...on apr 22 she stabbed him in the shoulder it cut his lung and just missed his heart and artery. he has a dv pending from her calling after he slung her off his back the da is waiting to see what happens with her. in court last week the att for her wanted our son to OK a plea agreement so she could walk out of jail on a personal bond and get 5 years suspended sent. he refused...the da said since she was cute and small that she may get off scott free. there's a lot more but any ideas or help?? god bless


contact your local battered woman's shelter for direction. they may even offer services to battered husbands as well.


Where is the help for a battered husband?

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