What Is a Narcissistic Sociopath?
A narcissistic sociopath is someone with a combination of narcissistic personality disorder and definitive behavioral signs of sociopathy. People with narcissism are characterized by their excessive and persistent need for others' admiration and positive reinforcement. They generally have grandiose opinions of themselves and believe they are superior to other people. Narcissists are also frequently convinced that they are above the normal responsibilities and obligations of everyday life, so they usually have significant difficulties maintaining employment or relationships as a result. The narcissistic sociopath has this type of personality along with a noticeable lack of regard for the rights of others and a tendency to regularly violate those rights.
One noted difference between a narcissistic sociopath and people with narcissism alone is that the narcissist with the sociopathy reacts strongly and sometimes even violently to negative feedback. True sociopaths generally do not respond to criticism or care what others may think of them. A narcissistic sociopath is unable to tolerate criticism and needs constant praise, as well as deference from other people. Many with this condition present themselves in the best light possible and are able to easily charm others to gain their trust.
A definite characteristic of a narcissistic sociopath is a tendency to view others not as fellow human beings, but rather as tools or means to an end. If certain other people are deemed unable to further the narcissistic sociopath's given agenda, they are normally cast aside. People diagnosed with this type of personality disorder usually do not have boundaries when it comes to manipulating and victimizing others if doing so will lead to their own benefit. This behavior trait can usually make romantic relationships with a narcissistic sociopath particularly destructive emotionally, mentally, and often financially. Many former spouses or partners of these individuals report that recovering from the relationship can take a long time.
Causes of narcissism are commonly attributed to abusive or dysfunctional early years, although some psychologists claim that specific biological differences in brain chemistry may also be partially to blame. Exact causes of sociopathic behavior are similarly subject to debate. When these two personality conditions coexist in the same person, some mental health professionals report that treating narcissism often yields better results than most attempts to treat sociopathy. Others maintain that most narcissistic sociopaths are largely untreatable through any kinds of established therapies, so the most that society can do is establish protective measures against these individuals' destructive behaviors.
I have been dealing with a woman who is both sociopath and narcissist. She is my husband's daughter from a prior relationship. When I first met her she was thirty five years old. I thought it was odd how quickly she confided in me, because she barely knew me. Right from the start she said her mother is evil and she said she has no relationship with her mom. I noticed she ignored listening to me as if she didn't seem interested in anyone else, only herself. I figured she is a bit of a drama queen and a little immature, but I didn't hold that against her.
For 13 years I have tried to be patient and kind. Now I feel broken down mentally emotionally, and spiritually. At first she seemed nice and considerate. She would make jewelry for me and knit scarves and give them to me. I was so blindsided that it took me several years before I realized just how toxic she is.
I began to notice her friends acting rude toward me. I couldn't understand until I realized she was running me down behind my back. It wasn't long before she said the most hurtful, obnoxious things to me; she not only ridiculed me behind my back but then she started humiliating me in front of my own family. I was hurt and flabbergasted and I was always the one to apologize even though I never provoked her. But that's what people with this mental disorder do: they manipulate and play the victim. And they are brilliant at bullying and shaming others.
"I'm sorry but I only act like this on the the anniversary of my husband's death." Or she would say her dog died 12 years ago. One of her excuses really floored me. After being rude and obnoxious to me and my husband while we visited her to help her celebrate her birthday, she actually threw groceries at me. Later on she blamed it on her being brutally raped by a "big black guy" -- such a convenient description. Of course I didn't buy that, but I knew better to a accuse her her of lying.
It wasn't long when she started exaggerating and te!ling the most incredible stories in front of me, and my husband, and her son. We all went shopping and when we got back, for some unknown reason, at dinner, she said I got into a heated altercation with two women. When my husband asked me about this, I felt put on the spot, for I knew if I said this never happened, there would be hell to pay. But I decided to be polite and told her that she is being funny and I laughed. She didn't like that, so I suffered her wrath the entire duration of their visit.
I tried taking her with me to have our hair styled. It ended in a nightmare. My husband gave me money for the hair cuts and tips. She used profanity in front of the clients and she called her father names and after this, to top it off, she refuses to let me pay for our hair cuts and insisted she paid, to embellish her lies. I knew one of the girls that worked there. I was asked never to bring her back there again. I felt frustrated and embarrassed, and it seemed there wasn't any place we could take her.
The last straw was when she came to visit us during Christmas. She would start arguments for no reason and complain about us and harass us right under our own roof. Twice my husband shut himself in our room and cried. Telling this to her was no good for hurting him and others was her reward. She volunteered to help me with housework, and boy did she grandstand this and tell me how dirty my house is. I would ask her, please don't do this to me, she would shrug her shoulders and only double down being more belligerent. Moreover I had no one to confide in. I couldn't even reach out to friends and family. For she not only listened to every word I said, she would brag about it and confront me with every single thing she heard.
She is a fifty-year old woman. Reasoning with her, being patient and sympathetic only gives her power by telling her how much she is hurting me and her elderly father only fills her with gratification; her behavior has never diminished. Therapy is useless because she refuses to take advice. She only wants to be praised and pitied. Since I am unable to reason with her as an adult, for she only goes out of her way to act more immature and invalidate people's feelings I decided to walk away -- for good.
I no longer acknowledge her when she calls and I try to ignore her. I have no issue with her talks with her dad. For over 2 months I have not reached out to her. I feel guilty but I certainly don't miss her.
Now she is whining about how selfish her son is even though he supports her and does all the chores. But then again she does the same thing to her father who lets her live in his house rent free. She is probably telling people about how mean I am but I ignore it.
My advice to anyone who is contemplating leaving a person with NSD or a sociopath, when they tell you that they can't help it or they don't realize what they're doing, yes they do. I am not saying it is easy, for they cannot control you so they will make sure to control how others see you. Remember, no matter how nice or patient you are, you will always be the villain in their story.
I have had a close friendship with a narcissist. It was a rude awakening! I learned that this person thrived on getting away with things. He would size people up and decide who would not cause him a problem. Looking back I feel so gullible. I really believed he wanted to do the right thing. Now I was realizing he was just mirroring me and saying what I wanted to hear.
Eventually, I realized that giving him good advice just angered him. The idea of someone telling him what to do just drove him crazy. For example, I would tell him to stay away from married women. He would go on a trip and move in with a married woman. He cries like a baby about a women who broke his heart. When he started dating her, she was married. It took almost two years for her to get a divorce. I mean, really: you are messing around with a women who is cheating on her husband. What do you expect?
He has another woman whom he uses for sex like a spare tire. I don't know what is sadder: that she can't wait to be used or deep down inside he knows that he is just taking advantage of someone who had such an abusive childhood that her father's co-workers and employees were propositioning her at 12 year of age while her parents were drunk and high in their mansion.
He is an incredibly intelligent man and just knows how to size people up. I have to believe and hope that eventually karma will take care of him. Unfortunately, until he miscalculates, he will continue to be a one man wrecking crew. I don't understand why our society doesn't stop people like this. We need to go back to being a moral society. Years ago when this country had the draft and we had an army of men trained in hand to hand combat, someone would take a guy like this outside and knock his head off for him. Our society is just allowing these people to run wild.
Boy, I always thought I was alone on this rollercoaster ride. I've been married 19 years to a NS. I had divorced my first husband, an alcoholic, and I was lonely. Then came this charming man who was well cultured, smart and romantic. I'll never forget him sending me flowers on his birthday with a card saying I was best birthday present ever. Within 5 months, we were married. I had 2 young daughters that needed a strong male influence. I felt I was finally happy, but it changed quickly.
When I met him, he had just transferred to an office close to where I lived. He was awaiting a company car that kept getting delayed. Well, I learned later that he was never promised a company car and had been relocated as a last chance due to problems at his past location. Long story short, I sold my house and moved across the company with my girls in order for him to take a new job with good money. He went through 5-6 jobs. He was in sales and he would do great for a while and then he'd not show up for work, his sales would slump, etc. He always had to entertain clients and he was always gone every evening. He would get reimbursed for expenses, but he never kept the receipts, which meant we had to pay for it. Evictions, car repos, etc. were part of my life for many years. I worked full time and took as much overtime I could, and we were sinking because he spent so much money. He would fly out of the country and leave me with no money to survive while he was gone.
Once, he was out of the country, and we ran out of fuel for the house. Thankfully we had a fireplace. So I and my girls slept in the living room while I tended a fire all night. I thankfully found someone the next day to fill up my tank and allow me to make payments. He got into drugs and women.
Most recently, he started living with a woman who lives nearby that posted pictures of them together on facebook. Then requested my family as friends on her facebook so everyone could see. I was furious and the next time he wanted to come home, I said no. He went across the country to live with his brother, but he was constantly calling, telling me how horrible it was and that he had to live in the garage.
I was in the midst of filing or divorce, and he found out that he had a terminal illness. I had health insurance on him, and he would have no insurance if we divorced. So, I didn't file. He came here to get some of his stuff and had a bad spell and couldn't travel, so he ended up staying with me. I'm taking him to doctors, etc. Well, he left this morning to run a quick errand. Well, it's 17 hours later and he's not home. I really feel like this will never end until he dies. Feeling really desperate!
I am a man married to a women with a narcissistic personality disorder. We are now separated. She walked out on me after several years of marriage. I could identify with many things that were written here in regards to control, having one's way, disregard of feelings, always wrong, grudges, elevated self importance, lack of empathy, selfish, rage, not listening, not satisfied, putting you down, very charming to others etc.
Yes, I'm alone now but its peaceful. When I married her, like others on this forum, I was very lonely, unhappy, too trusting, and found her to be sincere, charming, engaging, and interested in me. It was very sad for me to read about so many unhappy marriages as a result of a spouse with a narcissistic personality disorder. I feel for you.
I'm thankful for this website as it has helped me to understand the dynamics of our relationship better. I was made to feel by my wife that I was always the problem and not a worthwhile person. I could never say anything constructive without her getting angry at me. She didn't want to listen to me. Her wants. Her desires.
It wasn't like this when we were first happily married. Her personality dramatically changed. When she didn't need me anymore and she moved on. Even so, I still love her. I hope she will change for the better, that she will see the need to get help with counseling etc. as I encouraged her before she left here.
I have spent the last 4 years with a NS. From the very beginning, there were textbook signs, and now I know what he is. His ex wife, the one he used for triangulation the entire time I knew him, told me what he was, but I really don't think I fully knew what the word "Narcissist" stood for. Constant lies and half truths, breakups every 3 to 4 months. He hid his cell phone like it was his job, and had no empathy for anyone but himself.
He uses his children against each other and has raised them to be just like him. The lies and moods, hot and cold and constant empty look in his eyes. So many times he treated me like I was nothing, trash, yet in the beginning I was "the love of his life, his dream girl." I overlooked the big red flags he was slapping me in the face with. One minute he was Mr. Perfect, Mr. Ninja Car Salesman or Mr. Wanna Be Rockstar and the next sitting on a dock, looking pathetic, saying I would leave him like all the rest. Oh, yeah, everyone abandons him. Everyone was at fault in the past, but not him.
He was caught from one wife to the next, but played the game well. I have had no contact with him for 45 days and have turned the corner. There is no going back after being in this world of game playing for four years. He still plays games with his ex-wife, whom he talks trash about and manipulates as well.
He cried a lot and threw fits as needed to make sure I believed he felt "worthless," yet he was more intelligent than anyone he worked with, smarter, dressed better, a rock star, and nothing ever added up. There seemed to be a constant emptiness and I always believed I could help him, due to his excuses for his empty life. But I never could get comfortable on joining him on the many ideas he had for us to joint venture, mainly because he didn't like to talk about how it benefited me in any way. He planned to take what he could and be done, because it would be easy. He liked to "talk" about the future but not too deep, no accountability, ever.
I spent my last hour and dollar cooking for his pathetic lame self, and he always wanted to split the cost of dinner out. He has kids and bills, and I was out of my head brainwashed for a while. Ladies, if you have to ask a man to say what he should freely say when you are in a real relationship, run. If he cannot buy you dinner once a week, run. The man makes over 100K a year and was well skilled at free meals, free anything he could get his errand girl to stop and pick up.
Well, in the end, he wasn't a rock star and he wasn't even attractive to me. I wake up every day a little more happy than the day before now, simply that he and his constant drama, sad crap, kid problems, and money problems are out of my life for good! All of these things are like a broken record from day one! Tax problems being my favorite. The last day I spoke to him, he brought up the taxes and it was just literally like something in my brain said that's it! Laughable. He has been telling me the same lies for 4 years and I've been believing him.
If you can't get past that feeling that something isn't right and you start to question yourself, you need to walk away. He should come with a warning label, his field suits him well: used car salesman.
I am now separated from a man I have known and loved, and wished he ad demonstrated love back, since I was 18. We've been married 28 years, and I am now 53 and have two daughters, one a junior in high school, and the other in her first year of college. Two great kids who know no better -- yet. I'm feeling sad, scared, angry, depressed, exhausted and resentful. I have since learned what I married was a man with the accumulative traits of a narcissistic sociopath. I don't like to label people, but the traits are all there and the patterns and behaviors and the damage to our lives are all there.
I always wondered why he was the way he was all these years from literally before marriage. Boy, was I naïve. I tried to bring up better communication and relationship building suggestions, but he would laugh it off. He could not be bothered. I remained "in discontent," but that was the norm. He was superficial emotionally detached and oblivious to anything that was related to relationships. He was always friendly, generous, not-jealous, but it was superficial, all for show, and very thin character with no depth under the shell, as hard as I tried to find it. The love of his life was golf time. If not golfing, he would stay away by working a lot and traveling for work. His norm became stay away from interpersonal relationships, quality family time, commitment, intimacy, budgeting, and future planning, and any responsibilities and conflict. When he was around he would be socially friendly but detached and unemotional. I was a checkoff item. Married? Check. House, check. Kids, check. Golf as much as possible, check. Avoid everything to do with problems, family, wife and kids, check. Don't care about anything? Check.
He had an epiphany after getting laid off at work. He doesn't like to work for others so he won't ever again. He started to build his own small business and with that came phase 2 of his sociopath behaviors with home, wife and kids. He systematically created his small business (morally questionable) aka soon to be separate life and exit strategy. He stayed away seven days a week from predawn to 11:45 p.m., and went straight to sleep on arriving home. He had at least one eight-month affair. I found out and I tried to forgive in order to rebuild and address issues that damaged us. But he had no remorse! It was like he got caught taking the last cookie in the cookie jar. It soon unfolded that he was already far gone and was pretending in our lives, and could not pretend anymore since his secret was all out in the open.
He had no love, no desire, no interest, no appreciation of his investment, and/or just didn't care enough. What is wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this life outcome? I asked him this and he said, "don't beat yourself up, sometimes life is unfair." I am a loving, engaged, give and take, reciprocating, responsible person. I'm not perfect but always willing to collaborate, cooperate, compromise, grow, and resolve. I can't have a good relationship, though, even if I do that by myself, when he just can't be bothered.
By the way, I work and am technically the bread winner "on paper". His dad and his sister didn't even know for five years he had his small business. He hides and lives in lies and he rationalizes them because he won't deal with the consequences of truth and questions and opinions.
He wants to dump his current life and live in his other morally questionable life -- his selfish life where only he matters. His secret is out, kids are almost both in college, he has his inheritance tucked away so that I can't get share, he hides his income, and so good riddance to me. So cold-hearted.
I am now facing moving forward in life alone, with two older kids who think very little of their dad only because they know him very little, expect little, and know no better. All he is good for is dropping them off at school and paying for some stuff they need. As small children, he was equivalent to a visiting uncle to play with briefly in passing, same as one does with the family dog. The only redeeming thing I can say is it could be worse. Hopefully, there are not too many pent-up emotions to disturb their well-being and emotional happiness later in life. Unfortunately, I will have a slow recovery, and a tough time ahead financially. It's been hard to start over after 53 by myself with very little.
He finally simply said he is sorry in a text for being a lousy husband and for the affair – check -- but is fine with no regrets for leaving me with as little as possible as he dumps me and our family unit. “Sorry” doesn't cut it.
With so many of these posts, I am reading my life, and my emotions are torn. I am so sad that you've all experienced it, too, but I am glad to know we aren't alone. It's cathartic to share and read all of these.
When I was 23, I had never been in a real, serious relationship, and I met my now ex-husband at church. All of my friends were getting married, and then, suddenly, there was this charming, man who shared my faith, my love of art, my vision for the future, and seemingly, a love for my family. It didn't hurt that he was from a Latin-American country and was a big-time romantic. He was a romance novel come to life, and we didn't take it slow. Within three months he wanted to get married.
Then he wanted all of my passwords and to check my phone all the time. He supported me when I was frustrated with my family, and soon began to encourage it.
He hated all of my friends and wanted me to have nothing to do with them. And then, boom! We were married.
For five years, I fought him trying to divide me from my family. I listened to him tell me I was worthless and a failure. I went through hell if my shirt was too low cut, and I watched him lie to others on a daily basis for no apparent reason, other than just to do it.
I was little more than a maid to him once he realized that marrying me didn't make him wealthy or have the life that envisioned. Nothing I did could please him. People didn't respect him more because he was married. In fact, he lost his job right after we had our son.
At that point, I had stopped feeling, and just continued surviving. He was rehired, and told everyone he met that he was the best at his job. In fact, he was "the best" at everything he did. He was very charming, and once people questioned anything he said, they were out of our lives for good.
He constantly took it out on me that I refused to give up my family. Nothing I did was right. If I cleaned all day I ignored him. If I didn't clean for hours, I was lazy. If I cooked dinner it was my job. If I didn't, I wasn't thinking of our family.
He began cheating on me. Then he started just coming home and yelling at me and our son. When he started to hit my two year old son, I finally left. I left while he was on a vacation with his mistress.
He bullied me, acted like a victim, and told everyone who would listen that I cheated on him, and that he was a loving, devoted husband.
He got a DUI, and then he raped at least two women who refused to press charges. (He had raped me in our marriage.) He lost his job again for stealing, lying, and causing problems.
He has consistently neglected our child while in his care, and social services has been called at least four times, but he still gets to see him.
My ex is now married to a 13 year-younger girl who barely speaks English. She isn't allowed to drive or have a debit card. I feel grateful that she is there to help and sorry for her. He is terrible. His attorney during the divorce told me to get an alarm system put in my house because he snaps violently, seemingly with no plan, and then lies to clean up the mess.
I am grateful that I am happily married to a normal man now, who sees me for who I am. I hope that for all of you, too. You don't deserve this, and they can never change.
I just can't believe that so many of you are in the same boat as myself. I never knew what this disorder was until I mentioned to one of my friends how my husband treats me.
Just like all of you he cheats, lies, bullies me as well as his friends, has isolated me from my friends, puts me down constantly, calls me horrible names, blames me for everything even though I had nothing to do with the situation, says negative things to my 3-1/2 year old daughter about me, and does drugs. My daughter says she wants a new daddy for Christmas, which makes me very sad that she notices all of these things he does to me. He also says he will kill me if I divorce him. I've asked him to get help with his disorder but let's see if he actually will. --Nicole
I was married to my ex for 27 years and he cheated the whole time. He actually bragged to me how impressive it was that he was able go undetected for so long. Now that we are divorced, he is telling his family that he cheated because he was so unhappy. He cheated on anyone he ever had a relationship with and had several affairs going at one time. Even after being divorced two years, I still struggle with whether or not the whole thing was my fault. He cheated on his first fiancé as well. He even admitted that he never really had any remorse when he would return home after cheating. He cried like a baby when we went to therapy to try to repair things. I found out that he had started cheating again and he screamed at me, "but I was faithful for six years!"
He's now with a woman who is 17 years his junior who believes that she can fix him. He has preached to me that I should've gone to therapy with him again. Do you other people still struggle with whether or not we caused this? He was the life of the party and in charge of everything, e.g., scout leader, coached my kids teams, etc. Everyone knew him as a good guy, but at home he would go into rages about ridiculous things every three or four months. Please help me understand this. Will he act the same way with his new girlfriend or is she a keeper because she makes him look good?
I have lived with this man for over 30 years and could never figure what was wrong with me! He pushed me to get psychiatric help and thank god I did. She helped me to see I was dealing with a NS and it was such a real awakening. I try to have no contact with him but I have no financials yet! But I will when I get out of this mess. We also have a son who is the best probably because he was not involved in his life because his fat butt was sitting on a bar stool, his home to charm, impress, especially young girls. I've put up with cocaine, porn, and drinking addictions. I hope that I will be OK after all this.
How reassuring to know it wasn't me! How sad that there are so many of them out there ruining so many lives. I spent 14 years with a narcissistic sociopath and didn't have a clue until a couple of years ago. After reading these posts, I now realize he is a classic case of the disorder.
He was not physically violent, but always reminded me of his power to harm (he practiced a deadly martial art) and how "strong" he was by keeping it in control. Now I am a reasonably intelligent woman, and I saw signs, but it was like they were in a foreign language. I did not know or understand what they meant.
My late husband had not been a talker; he kept everything bottled up inside so after several years of being on my own and thinking I had my crap together, along comes this guy. And he is a talker, he's got a quirky sense of humor, he's charming, he's intelligent, he's got all the skills I believed were nearly perfect in a partner. After dating for several years, we moved in together. That's when everything changed. It took many years for me to finally realize things were not all right, that this behavior of his is quite bizarre.
He did not bring anything into the relationship other than a bankruptcy and a few pieces of furniture. He went through four jobs in quick succession before starting sales where I worked. To make a long story short, 14 years later I have to sell everything I own to pay him off, but I came to see him for what he really is and so does everyone else. There is no room for normalcy in a N/S's life. They are all the same; just a variation on a theme. The havoc they wreak is astounding and their reactions are just as astounding. I have stopped blaming myself for not seeing things as they were; I was simply too trusting and naive. Well, not anymore. I can only hope that people looking for help will read all these posts and realize that they are not alone, they are not crazy and the only thing they can do is run.
Flee as fast as you can because there is no hope of any small measure of happiness living with a N/S/. They will destroy you and then walk away as guiltless as can be.
Wow. I am astonished at the length of relationships I've read about on this forum. Mine is 38 years. I couldn't identify the problem until recently because this disease is so cunning.
My experience has been dealing with deception, gas lighting, threats, bullying, lies, putting me down while holding everyone else at higher value, discounting everything I do, sabotaging my career, financial infidelity, excuses, putting my child in the middle, blaming me, calling me the bad guy and other choice names, expecting me to be a "housewife", criticizing, breaking things, having hissy fits, building an army of his family and neighbors against me, isolated me, embarrassing me in public, constantly interrupting me, for years and years.
He has even cut my gas line on the car, put puddles on the tile floor in the bathroom so I would slip, killed my pet bird when I was out of town, broken every appliance in the kitchen so I would have to replace them, taken the lion's portion of food and money. I am exhausted.
Alanon has helped. My psych has helped. Bless you all.
I have a landlord who seems to fit most or all of the four paragraphs about a narcissistic sociopath. He is a preacher that claims to believe the Bible, but rejects biblical admonition. He has gotten the help of another preacher in an effort to evict me.
This was a result of me giving my landlord a list of things to rectify. When I became of no use to him, he treated me in a way that is inconsistent with the brotherly love of I John.
He would rather spend money on satellite television (selfishly) than to improve his property, (considerately) which is substandard. Rather than fulfilling his obligations, he has resorted to maligning my character.
He is unchristian; but has managed to charm others for their support.
He always said that the truth is your past, a lie is your future, always.
Two years ago I married the love of my life -- I thought. He presented himself as a caring, kind man with a good education and working professional. He was charming and attentive; I used to joke that he was auditioning. It was a short romance before he suggested that we get married. I was reluctant because I would be wife number three. But he was a good salesman and I did the deed.
Within a few months, he left his job and claimed he could not get work (he's a lawyer). I supported us including his 14 year old son and dog with shelter, utilities (plus cell phones), food, and insurances. He never paid for any household expense despite having 25K in his checking account (which he insisted my name be on -- someone to cover for them when the funds are gone, hint hint.)
Within the past seven months, I’ve learned that I was wife number six, and that instead of two children he had five. I was floored when the IRS took my tax return because he owed them $100K. He had also been hospitalized for mental illness at least twice, but stated it was situational. They were manipulative suicidal attempts. It was not until the gas lighting started that I woke up!
These people are emotionally abusive and when confronted about their actions, become very agitated and volatile. For 48 hours after informing him of our pending divorce, he threatened suicide, wailed like a distraught child, tried to audition again, stalked me in my home, and berated me continuously.
Right now I am sitting in a hotel room because today he was served with divorced papers and a PPO. Tomorrow I will walk into my home of 12 years, my head held high and know that I am not stupid, I was conned. Remember when the little red flags go up Do not ignore the signs. If you do not pay attention, the truth will pass and his lies will be your future.
My heart goes out to all of you because these stories sound very familiar. I was in a long term relationship with an NS. We have known each other for a decade and dated for five years. He destroyed me mentally and emotionally. He appeared perfect and together but his abuse was very subtle.
I found myself with no friends because no one was ever good enough for him. He controlled my entire social circle; it all revolved around him. He constantly downplayed my success and elevated himself. None of my achievements were ever acknowledged. When I got my doctorate he threw a tantrum because I went to my own graduation and left him all alone. His doctoral defense was delayed so he could not attend the graduation. Whenever I got ahead of him in any aspect of my life, he went out of his way to ruin it for me. Basically, whenever I was in the spotlight, he would try to get attention on himself either by belittling my success or elevating himself. However, he would point out to other women and compare me to them and tell me how they are more successful than I am.
I learned that there is no way to please people like him. If I hid my success, then to him I was incompetent, but if I shared my success then he treated me as a threat. I wish I'd gotten out of this terrible abusive relationship that destroyed me mentally and emotionally a lot sooner. I used to be a fun and loving person, and now I'm just bitter. It is a long road to recovery but I hope to get my life back some day.
It stinks that so many of you were also abused by a narcissistic sociopath.
Someone who claimed to be a "friend" to me for a few years became explosive and aggressive toward me when it became clear to him that I wasn't interested in being his trophy wife (I was engaged and had expressed my disinterest and distaste countless times).
He became explosively argumentative whenever I or anyone he considered to be below him disagreed or pointed out his obvious lies/errors. He avoided remorse of any kind by lying to himself and everyone around him, even his own family. His lies became so extensive that he was delusional. He threatened me and my family, and toward the end of him staying as a roommate, started conveniently misplacing checks and forgetting to pay bills.
Stay far away from anyone who tries so hard to come across as infallible! Best way to get rid of them (or just piss them off) is to ignore them. They hate to think that they were really that unimportant all along. These people are pathetic--we'd all be better off without them.
I am not a narcissist, but I sometimes wonder. I am a high functioning person who comes from extreme poverty and ignorance. My resolve is I have good self-esteem and self awareness.
I am brave and do not shy away from a challenge (although sometimes I should). I am a self made millionaire who is quick to give someone a hand up, not a handout. I am an attractive person because I work hard at it (gym, diet, sleep) but I do not criticize people who do not.
My point, is I receive a lot of criticism from people who want a handout. I also get this from people who are lazy and consider themselves victims of life. The last category is people who don't take care of their bodies. I receive constant negative feedback from these people. I usually ask them what their trainer at the gym says about that? The response is always the same: I have never been to a gym in my life.
I don't think knowing who I am and with whom I am comfortable makes me a narcissist; it makes me normal. I am a normal person who attracts the lost, lonely, broken, poor people with catastrophic personality defects. I would prefer to attract people who are respectable -- people who like, love and respect themselves. Because if they don’t, then they can’t like, love and respect me.
Wow! All of these posts hit home with me. Post 94 anon945099 just wrote the story of my life that I am still in 23 years later. I just have remained quiet for all these years because I didn't know how to explain what was going on in my life. Sad existence.
I am so glad I found this site. I am a survivor of a horrible NS marriage. I had known my ex for 20 years when we reconnected after not being in contact for about 5 years. I felt comfortable that he would at least be a good partner and friend for me and my two young girls, so we married.
Little did I know that the nanny that he hired was his mistress and when I kicked her out for yelling at my mentally challenged youngest daughter, he never said a thing. Ten years later, I found out that he was sexually abusing my youngest. I managed to get him arrested and he is spending 23 years behind bars. Still, he had the gall to ask for custody of her (yeah, like she is going to live with him in prison).
He asked for me to pay his legal bills. He drug the divorce out for three years and made me out to be the bad guy. He refused to let his lawyer file the final dissolvement paperwork which took another year to finally be finalized.
Run fast, run far and never look back. Protect your children from people like this.
Wow, reading these posts I can see I am not the only one! I am still married to one who is still like this!
It is hard to get away and he has a whole army of friends and he has these people thinking I am the awfullest person in the world and he is god. Even women! Oh, do the women love him.
He has ruined my credit and I have kids with this guy. My teen boys know how he is and I can say they have great heads on their shoulders. I tried getting away from him but failed because I really thought he had changed, but nope. What a joke that was. He even fooled my kids
It's hard to explain and put it all into words, plus it would take up a lot of this page if I went into the whole story. Plus, when we were separated, my kids finally told me the story of how he was when they were with him alone. I don't trust him. I am separated from him again and not only do I not have the money, but I don't trust him with my kids' lives and now I have a daughter, so I will take whatever he gives just to protect them.
See this is hard to explain also, because my kids know how he is but are too afraid to stand up to him. He has that army of friends who believe what he says and does, and we are all alone. How do you prove this guy is crazy? When other people see this guy, they see a guy who is such a sweet guy, whom strangers love, but we know him in a different light!
I dated and lived with a narcissistic sociopath for about 1 1/2 years. I am shocked about what a skilled liar he was. I thought he had a full-time job (he never had a job), then I thought he had a serious concussion and I took care of him for six months. He dragged around and slept all the time and seemed exhausted. It was depressing being around him, but I'm not a quitter. There were only a very few inconsistencies that seemed odd.
When I was sick, myself, he would just have a blank look on his face and didn't seem concerned. Since I have always been independent, I just took care of myself. He had a dog (another "source") which he seemed to adore and he encouraged that dog to be very submissive around him, but he would forget to feed the dog sometimes, and that seemed odd. My car kept breaking down but he didn't seem concerned about my safety, and that seemed odd. But there were just those few odd little moments of inconsistency with someone who seemed to adore me, so I pushed them to the back of my mind.
Once I found out that he never worked, that he never had a concussion and, in researching online ("busted") learned that he had been in prison for several years for petty larceny and forgery, it was over and I got him out of my house and out of my life.
I don't blame myself. He was really intelligent and skilled in deceiving and everyone is vulnerable if they run into sick people like him, who have made their career out of deceiving and using other people. I'm kind, unselfish, confident and compassionate, which are great qualities, but those qualities can also attract the blood sucking parasites out there, and there are a lot of them.
It’s been a year and a half and my life really is back on track. But still, I feel very vulnerable about trusting any man. They say that time heals and maybe I'll be able to trust someone in the future, but that person is going to have to be really patient. Right now, I'm learning how to be more selfish in taking better care of myself and putting my own needs first, for a change.
I have a question. It is written here in the post that a narcissist reacts strongly over a criticism. Judging from this I want to know about myself.
I was in a relationship, a deep and intense relationship on both sides, but I got betrayed, and left by my love. As per her, she decided to leave me because she was not happy with me and we used to fight a lot. She left me because my reactions did hurt her whenever I got criticized by her. This happened at times when she did things that I hated. My trust got broken at times, when she talked about her ex, saying that he was better than me.
She often used to get confused, saying that she doesn't actually love me, and whenever she told this, I did quit talking and started ignoring her.
So, after three years she decided to leave me, and when she left, I didn't know she had left. Her behavior changed, but she didn't tell straight away. Then there was a day when I secretly checked her mobile phone, and it was an intense pain when I found that she was "in" with her ex again, though she claimed that the chapter was closed, he was just in her past. She even said that she loved me and never truly loved him, etc. After that day. she told me that she had left me, and the decision was made a few weeks ago.
Now, my question is whether I am a narcissist? I reacted whenever she criticized me, or praised her ex over me. I never reacted if anyone other than her in my life criticized me. Sometimes when her friends told her that I was immature and overly possessive, I hated this too. So does this make me a narcissist?
Strangely, she never reacted when I criticized her. In fact, she sarcastically used to laugh at it, but she used to react badly when others talked bad about her, or whenever she heard that someone talked bad at her back. That made her go out of control and stressed. Was she a narcissist? One more thing I want to ask, after reading the posts above. Are all narcissists men?
Take responsibility for your own actions. Dehumanizing others by labeling and dismissing them is bigoted. It might make you feel better, but isn't that what you are complaining about with the other person?
My sister is a single, 58 year old woman with no children. She has always been overly dramatic and demanded constant attention. She got rid of everyone good in her father's life. She tried to get her ex-husbands fired from their jobs by discussing their sexual habits with their boss. She tried to get her father's fiancee fired by telling her boss she had Hepatitis C.
She will apply for jobs just to get hired because it fills her void. She has been in many rehabs for drinking and has never seen a psychiatrist. She also has cirrhosis of the liver. She makes sure she stays in shape, though. She is an extremely narcissistic sociopath. She has been married three times and left destruction behind worse than an earthquake. If you don't listen to her she will have your phone cut off or call the cops or 911. It’s always drama, drama, drama! She will report something bad about you to your boss, even if it is untrue.
Everything has to be about her. She is jealous of everyone, even actors and actresses. She makes up stories that make her life seem traumatic when it wasn't. Her father is very ill now and she has been told she needs to help care for him. She is awful. She complains all the time because it is taking away from her life.
She is the most selfish person and will try to buy your friendship to keep you in her cheering section. When you get tired of cheering, look out! Do not take anything from this personality type or let them do anything for you because it will be held against you for the rest of your life!
When my mother was dying, she had her cell phone disconnected because she did not want to talk to her. She had no way to call for help if needed. It was the only thing I had my sister pay for my mother (about 15 dollars a month) and when she couldn't get attention, she cut it off. I then paid to get the phone in my name. I cannot even let my children accept gifts from her because she will say she supports the family or something. She told everyone she raised herself and supported the family as a child and it never happened. In fact, she had more than anyone while my mother worked two jobs.
She is sexually promiscuous and thinks nothing of having your boyfriend, my husband or a cousin being her next prey to achieve attention. She goes to doctors all the time to get validated that she is great. She says that everyone tells her how smart she is. She wants to be a doctor, lawyer, star, and a TV show host. She could probably do them all, but she could never stay focused long enough to help another person.
She is super competitive and has had many plastic surgeries. Some have gone wrong. She can't stay in one job very long. She does it well and then can't handle it. She speaks badly of people to make herself look good. She also compares herself to unrealistic figures as if she could do their role better.
She is loud and demands attention, which doesn't mix well with alcohol! She can be very destructive. She can be nice when she needs help and pull you in. Don't go for it. You will have sold your soul to the devil! I spoke with a psychiatrist and was told to not feel guilty about keeping her out of my life, for my own safety. That was hard to swallow, but it was correct info. She is dangerous.
My ex husband is a narcissistic sociopath and I was blind to it. He traveled, made big money and was a big time control freak. I knew he had trust issues, was a control freak, had a bad temper etc. I tolerated this and the turmoil wreaked havoc in our lives. Once he lost his big job, he became an even bigger jerk and took his loss of narcissistic supply out on the children and me.
His craziness affected my children for years, and I have no explanation as to why I tolerated this abuser. I became a doormat for him to walk on. I see now that I was afraid of him and his violent outbursts and rages. In trying to work through things and trying to keep my family together, I see now that if I were truly a good mother I should have taken my children and left. I see now that I became what he needed and completely lost myself in the process.
He led a complete double life with another woman. The damage he has done to my children and their hopes of normalcy scare the crap out of me. He is still controlling my adult son with his know it all attitude, but my girls see through the mask. I don't know if you can ever get over abuse like this. Is it possible? Now I am alone and that was never how I envisioned myself at 60 years old.
I was married to a person like this for 30 years and I am so happy to be out of that marriage. He made my life a total mess, and everything that I read on this site is so true. He is still telling lies on me to everyone who will listen. I feel bad for my children (I have five), but they are strong and they don't take any crap from him. They can't have a healthy relationship with him.
Now he has a new wife whom he uses to try throw in my face, but I am so over him. She will find out what a liar and user he is, and guess what? He is a so called pastor. Shame, shame, shame.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you who have suffered through trying to have a healthy relationship with a narcissistic sociopath.
My father is a narcissistic sociopath. And although I am a 40-something health care professional, it has taken me this long, an emotional breakdown, therapy, some self-destructive patterns and this website for me to fully understand and be able to put a definition to the dysfunction that was such a painful part of my childhood.
Fortunately for me, my parents were divorced when I was eight and my father had a new young wife and baby to occupy the majority of his time. He did still have time to attempt to manipulate my mother by pushing the buttons that he knew he could manipulate her with from abusing her for so many years. Although I have had my own issues with depression, etc., I have had the opportunity to learn through firsthand experience and witnessing about how predatory people with this disorder are and what destruction they leave in their wake. Each of my older siblings have suffered with the after effects of having a narcissistic sociopath for a father for a longer time than I did (they were each teens when my parents divorced).
The knowledge that there were people out there who would deliberately hurt others and enjoy doing it was something helpful and debilitating for me at the same time. My mother told me the history of my father’s behavior at a young age because I asked and wanted to know the whys of what I had seen and experienced over the years. I also had a strong dislike for him based on what I had experienced. I saw how different other fathers were and how differently other families lived and instinctively knew my family situation wasn’t right.
For those of you who have children and are concerned about how to help them be healthy and how to help prevent them from having their own painful struggles because of a narcissistic sociopath, my best suggestion would be for you to consult a mental health professional who specializes in and is experienced in working with children so you can have their professional guidance on how to help your child deal with the confusion of feelings and pain they may have. One thing about children is that if you take them to see the therapist, they may assume something is wrong with them or that they did something wrong. It’s best to seek help and guidance from a mental health professional alone first. Some states have mental health outreach centers that offer services free and on a sliding scale so your income doesn’t have to be high to receive help.
Unfortunately, my older siblings lived in the dysfunction much longer than I did and each one of them have had their own struggles with self-destructive behaviors. My oldest sibling died of a self-inflicted gun shot wound to the head after years of self-destructive behaviors, addictions and run-ins with the law. My other siblings have mental health issues that have adversely affected their lives and the lives of their children. The chain of pain continues on and on. The emotional and psychological abuse relationship almost killed my mother. That was when she finally had the courage to end the marriage. Narcissistic sociopaths are predators. They seek out vulnerable people to manipulate and abuse to feed their own sick and evil needs and desires. And they repeat those same patterns of behavior throughout their lives. Once you are away from that person, remember that they know your emotional buttons and will do whatever it takes to manipulate, use and abuse you again if given the chance. Make sure to get counseling for yourself because it can destroy you trying to figure it out on your own and it can give you insight into yourself and how to be strong and healthy because narcissistic sociopaths can destroy your health, your self-worth, your ability to think clearly and your ability to move forward to a better life.
I believe that even if the person isn't physically violent (which, of course, would put a glitch in their ability to continue abusing because there would be evidence), the emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad or worse because it follows to the next generation and the next and the next, until the decision is made by responsible adults to end the chain and seek help for any issues they may have that would affect their ability to be a loving healthy parent.
My mother is gone now. The only good thing about cancer is that it usually allows some time for people to share their feelings and say what they need to say before the end comes. During my times visiting my mom, with us sharing and saying those things we needed to say, the only thing she said she regretted in her life was wasting so much time with my father. He stole (yes, stole-because narcissistic sociopaths don’t enter into any relationship with sincere intentions of love) 17 years of her young life. My father (whom I have referred to by his first name since my brother took his own life) is still alive and pulling the same garbage as always. He has never done anything in his life that didn’t have his own agenda attached to it. Now because there is an oil boom in our state, he uses some land he has partial ownership in as a means to continue to manipulate my siblings and try to manipulate me through them. I fear they will be hurt by him again because they want so much to be loved by him in a way that he never loved them (like a normal father would) that they don’t see him for what he really is and what he really does. Denial can be pretty strong when a person has emotional pain.
After a childhood of crushing poverty and emotional neglect and abuse, it would be pretty enticing to think that the person who is responsible for it all, who could put on that charming, loving, great façade in public the few times he graced them with his presence, might actually do something to redeem himself that would hold the promise of a payoff beyond their wildest dreams -- the hopes and dreams of an injured child -- to maybe actually be loved by their father. He is very clever. Now that they are adults, it is at times more difficult to manipulate them, but the possibility of receiving a gesture of love from him, like leaving them a source of financial security as a token of his love, can be used to manipulate them also -- even as adults. So please, if you have children whose other parent is a narcissistic sociopath, seek the guidance in parenting them from your end from a qualified child mental health professional, and seek help for yourself. It would be the best gift you could give them and yourself as a healthy parent who truly loves them. Give them the reassurance through example and experience that relationships can be healthy and happy.
Amen to everything posted and more! I have been "involved" with such a man for 10 long years. He is a narcissistic sociopath. I am a middle aged mom and had two disabled sons (adopted) when we first met this man. He rented a room from us. After years of trying to help this man, believing that he was alcoholic, I also found out he was also a drug addict, bulimic, liar, thief and had a front row seat in the county courthouse. He was incarcerated in the county jail and two local city jails so often it was like old home week for him. He had been before so many judges and subsequent probation officers it made our heads spin.
At one point he was diagnosed as bipolar. Several mental health agencies attempted to help, for a minute, but he knew better and self medicated, and he became homeless. Over his adult lifetime he has been in at least twelve drug treatment centers, all with the same outcome. When he met us, we did believe this poor unfortunate man was put upon by the system. I have neglected to mention the eighteen years of courtroom drama resulting in child support issues.
As has been described, this man is also good looking, charming, engaging, likable and believable by everyone who knows him in passing. Every negative quality described with this diagnosis makes up this man.
I am a church going person and it has taken me all these years to realize that such a person, without feelings, could really exist. In that time my home was burned -- completely gutted. The case is still open and is very suspicious. My one son was murdered, and the case is still open. This man is suspected, but nothing can be proven. My entire existence has been stalled, and I have nothing left.
I really, stupidly thought that what was happening right before my eyes, was bad luck and could be fixed. Law enforcement always believed this guy, in the face of so many things. I never had any help or support.
Just recently, I had that light bulb moment, one of which is this post. I am sick, sad and numb. There has been so much damage done and this man has gone on confident in himself (and singing that everyone has done him wrong). He is living in a shelter with yet another bench warrant out for him. Before you think his jig will soon be up under those circumstances, let me assure you it won't. He'll be just fine. People at the shelter love him. He gets fed, has an audience and will never be held accountable.
@anon337565: First of all, good for you! Good for you for realizing what a jerk this guy is, and that he is nothing good.
I have a feeling that once your family realizes this waste of space and air is out of your life for good, they will reestablish contact with you.
In the meantime, please, please get some counseling. You've been traumatized emotionally and mentally, and you need to learn coping skills for what you're feeling, as well as tools to keep yourself from falling into another relationship like this.
Once you're stronger, you might consider helping other women who are in your current situation. You can offer them valuable insight since you've been there. It will also help you regain your sense of self-worth.
You might also consider doing some volunteer work now, in order to help you remember you are a person of worth and substance. Good luck and God bless you!
It's been seven years for me -- seven years of a living hell, and I was so in love and so understanding that it blinded me to what my partner actually was. I made notes on my calendar throughout the years every time something happened, and only until now have I understood what I was going through. It's a very sad situation when you realize you have wasted years of your life and have shed so many tears and depression over a person who basically just uses you and manipulates your heart, your mind and your life, for nothing because they have no conscience and they truly do have a psychological problem they cannot fix. Sadly, they do not realize how much they hurt others, and that part alone is the scariest thought because they will continue their doing this to other pour souls who cross their path.
I've been through it all: Lies about his home life, stated he was 'separated.' Only a year later did I find out he was married still living with his wife. Lied about his job which was non-existent; flirted with friends/strangers alike to the point of starting orgies; problems with strangers, as he is very blunt and does not care what he says to people; problems with police officers, throwing water bottles, hot dogs, whatever he has in his hands after the bar and starts trouble; always the center of attention, the joker, the one who goes on stage and entertains everyone; very high sex drive and an attractive man; promiscuous nature, finding out months sometimes a year later of girls he met online/bar which he had one night stands with or a relationship with; loving, kind towards me but within a week or two always I dealt with verbal abuse over one issue or other which he caused; blamed me for problems which were due to his own actions; never met his close friends or buddies or family members to see his other life (he always kept his personal life separate. There was always one reason or another of why it wasn't possible over the years); puts people against you, alienates you from your family and friends until all you have is him; drinking problem, alcohol which made him grab women in bars (breasts, bottoms, etc.) in front of me. I caught him when he thought I wasn't looking or when he thought I wasn't around, and there were many times he did it in front of me, and I was told it was just 'fun' and drunkenness that made him do it.
As much as I have a good heart, I am shy, but very attractive as a woman. It did not matter to him tha he lied to me and he did not care at all he was hurting me with other women.
There were times I had proof of his lies and I wouldn't let him know what I knew and I watched him casually tell me otherwise like it was second nature. It hurt to see this, knowing the truth.
He always said he was in love with me and wanted to marry me, but constantly cheated and lied nonetheless, just for thrills. I believe they unknowingly get some type of high from doing this to others/ The lying and cheating is exciting. He is very intelligent, yet uses this to his advantage to manipulate others.
My last day was two weeks ago. I waited on him all day for a 'weekend' he supposedly wanted to spend with me. Friday night's excuse was he forgot about a friends husband's birthday party (I wasn't able to go as I live an hour away). I later found out he was at a barbecue party with friends and women he had associations with.
Saturday comes along, and I received many excuses in the morning as to why he was unable to join me at an 'antique show' due to him going early at 8 a.m. with family. He ended up not going at all, as I later found out. He was at this party from the night before and was still enjoying the festivities the next day and was lying to me all along.
I spent the day cleaning my home, changing my sheets, buying groceries for our weekend, buying his favorite wine. He finally showed up at 7:30 p.m., said he was tired and wanted to stay in. He wanted to sit in the car with me to tell me about his day while we were parked. I told him I did not want to sit in a hot car to listen to him tell me about his day. I suggested we could go to a book store if he was tired, sit and have a coffee and he could tell me about his day, and then we could go home and stay in if he was tired. I was stuck most of my day indoors, waiting on him and doing things for us in preparation, so I didn't think it wasn't too much to ask to go to a bookstore.
Mind you, at this time, I already knew where he spent Friday night and most of Saturday and I was sad, and because I loved him so much I didn't bring it up, so I wouldn't upset him.
Well, as we were driving, within 10 minutes, he got angry because he wanted to tell me about his day (his lies, not the truth). I had told him only that I would have liked to join him at the antique show Saturday morning (I had asked the night before, but he said he was tired and wanted to go to bed) and in the morning he just ignored what I said and left without me. Keep in mind I said this calmly, lovingly and politely, as I do not like seeing his anger.
Well 10 minutes later, after I said only that I would have liked to join him and wished he had planned it with me, he blows up, starts to get upset, hitting and banging at the steering wheel, yelling and screaming at me about how much stress he has coming from all angles (as he lives with his parents and has a daughter from previous marriage that only lasted two years). While he's acting like a psychotic maniac, he says, “I'm turning around and going home. I've had enough of this.” Wow.
For the first time, I snapped. I don't know what happened. I suppose it was his yelling and telling me he was going home after the day I had I immediately opened the car door as he was driving along the lakeshore. I wanted to get out. I have never done that before or acted that way. The mere shock of what he had done and how he was treating me, knowing he was lying to my face, was something I will never forget.
He was in the center lane and he pulled over within a minute and watched me get out. Now, I know he was lying because photo proof of where he was and with whom. He knows he is lying, but doesn't realize I know, and yet he still treated me that way? Unbelievable.
It took me a little over a half hour to get home walking. Not once did he try to stop me from getting out of the car and he didn't come looking for me, but he did text me in capital letters to tell me how I could have caused an accident (we were barely going 20km at the time), and how I could have ruined his career (which he does not have. He is still going to college, his third attempt, failing some courses already) but this is how narcissistic sociopaths are. This is what they do, this is how they treat you and it was not the first time.
Sadly, this happened once before. After waiting on him most of the day, preparing for his arrival, he never showed up and canceled on me, using the excuse that I didn't want to drive half way and meet him.
I never responded to any of his texts after he made me walk home in the cold that night. I felt worthless, and I realized I had been fooled for six years. I was numb with disbelief that this has been my life.
He has sent me angry emails and texts since this happened. It's been two weeks and I have not responded to any. He enjoys the blame game and arguing to the point where he won't let you sleep for a week just from you trying to wrap your brain around all the harsh words and put downs he throws at you. I always forgave him for many many things he has done to me, in front of me and behind my back.
I guess it took me watching him lie to me for days while I knew the truth, and it crushed me and devastated me to watch him do this, and not have a care in the world. He didn't care he was deceiving me and lying to me. It took this last time for me to actually realize the relationship was all a lie. I was faithful and loving and in it wholeheartedly, but he wasn't.
As hard as it is, and has been, I have not contacted him, I have changed my number and I am having a difficult time because throughout the years, he has alienated me from my family and my friends. I am alone more than ever, but I had to do this. My life, my self esteem, my self worth are all gone.
Sadly, the peace and solace I feel not reading or hearing his harsh words towards me, degrading me and not listening to the constant lies and stories, not being manipulated any longer, and not spending nights and weekends worrying or stressing over issues he brings into my life, has been the first feeling of peace I have felt in a long time.
It's a daily struggle trying to forget, trying not to call or text, because I was in love. I believed he was my soulmate, my life. But it was nothing but a lie. I was just one of many, for no other reason but the fact he cannot control his sociopathic nature.
I don't know what the future will hold for me. I don't know if I will fully recover, I don't know if I will ever heal from this, but I am going to try. It's all I have left to save myself from this.
For those of you who have experienced a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath, good luck to you all and God bless you all.
I think that the hardest thing to deal with is the fact that these people somehow lack the same feelings of empathetic, loving people. It's as if they are outwardly unaware of their cruelty and demeaning ways, yet they can turn on the charm and flip the switch and somehow convince you that everything will be okay. When you encounter these types of people, it changes your whole world. All the things that you believed about human nature and people in general somehow flies out the window. There is something that is so frightening and scary about these people. When you're forced to deal with some, it is a really exhausting experience.
I have spent the past three years trying to divorce my my husband. He took everything, left me with nothing! He tried to take my daughter with claims I was crazy and suicidal. He sold our business and refuses to work. I was a stay at home mom and I share 50 percent custody and pay him child support.
He also took $200k of money from our home and has spent thousands on lawyer's fees trying to evict me from the home that I bought. He took all the paperwork to prove it was my money that bought the home. I was hit so hard. He knocked me out while I was defending myself for not trusting his mother who is a liar. --Jackie
I could be wrong, but "narcissist sociopath" is like a label we put on people to define and judge them -- like stigmatization. There are many psychiatric labels for things with treatments tied to them that don't work.
If you have a child and they have a behavior, do you just stick them in a room and put a label on the door that reads, "narcissist sociopath" and then go about your day?
Sure, some people do not humble themselves, show altruism and are controlling, but you can't really label them anything.
A psychiatrist treats "sugar withdrawal" as ADHD, then prescribes Ritalin. This is just another form of cocaine entering the bloodstream leading to an addiction where the brain atrophies toward death.
Just because someone does bad things does not make them a bad person. If you have decided this is what the person is, so be it. I am not sure what to do when someone is habitually mistreating others or even themselves, for that matter.
A famous person once said "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change."
It would seem to me that this quote means stop judging the offender and consider the judgment to be an offense that causes the offender to behave the way you have decided. Mirror neurons maybe. Snowballs and tumbleweeds.
I am so sad to read all of these posts. My husband's ex-wife is a narcissistic sociopath. The children suffer most while worshipping her and wanting her approval and holding the reception of her love and attention over all other things and people in importance. No matter what she does, says, or who she hurts, if she is "happy" it is OK. Whatever feels good.
If there is a problem and she is in the middle of it, she is the victim. Strangely, problems follow her everywhere. She almost ruined my husband mentally, emotionally and financially. Thankfully, he has a strong faith, a good job/support system and met me. She is now well on her way to ruining husband no. 2, who seems completely unaware of what is going on. She buys, adopts, takes in animals, only to discard them later.
She finally has a job, and they seem to put up w/her, but she constantly calls in. She takes credit for any and all accomplishments of the children while we have them 50 percent of the time, pay for and transport them to all school and sporting activities, and communicate with all of the teachers. We pay for all medical insurance, braces, glasses and procedures, but "she supports her kids by herself" if you ask her.
Until I blocked her from every phone line, email account and social media account, she tormented me from the day she discovered my husband was dating me -- after she left him for a 19 year old boy after months of infidelity. She is working toward getting her daughters to hate us in every way possible. Sadly, the way she portrays us and the truth are so glaringly different that the girls are even more confused. How could we be what "Mommy" says when we seem to love them, take care of them, and are kind to them? Sad! Sick!
My poor husband makes himself crazy worrying about those girls the weeks they are with her. They have lots of "fun" but not much of anything else. I feel for all of you because I am exhausted, my husband is exhausted and 18 is still 6.5 years away for our youngest. Prayers!
I was involved with a narcissist for four years. Finally, I left with a few bags, hardly any money and no job. I had to start all over.
Would you believe that I have just woken up to the fact that I'm dating another one? Where the first lady had her own money (although she used mine!), the current one has nothing. No house (renting), new job, no money, clothes, food, etc. So I paid the rent, bought food, clothes, paid for fuel, loaned her my car and started paying for the needs of her 27-year old son who lives in a fancy apartment, doesn't have a job, drives someone else's car and is fiercely protected by his mother.
Yesterday, I blew holes into her lies and spoke to her family. This morning she called in a rage and said she was bringing back my car and my phone and never wanted to speak to me again.
Although I realize that this is bad for me, I can't help feeling sorry for her and asking myself how Christ wants me to deal with this lost child of His. Is leaving the only way?
One of the biggest problems with growing up in these situations is often, for some crazy reason, you will find yourself with a person of like qualities from either parent! This is part of co-dependency, so one must, as an adult, get counseling and choose your relationships carefully!
I should have never allowed myself to become involved with my biological family again as they put so many demands on me the if you loved us routines, and eventually ruined my marriage! Now they all have dumped me! Which is typical.
I feel like a fool and must forgive myself for being fooled again! Let go and let God! I still envy my friends who have kind, loving, happy families that are so caring!
As an abused daughter of a co-dependent narcissistic father and lost mother, I had to get help! My father abused me physically and mentally, then picking one child to honor and the others to throw away. There is no justice. One can only find God and realize how wonderful his love is and sacrifice and pray for forgiveness! In my case, my complete disdain for my abusive dad and to learn to forgive him as well. The entire family is sick and I was the one child who gave and gave and tried to fix it all!
Today, they all seem to take extra special delight in knowing they had a hand in my current condition and if it were not for my belief in God, I would have committed suicide or become a drunk, etc. God is the answer!
My narcissistic parents still have a mental hold on me. One is deceased, and the other launched a campaign to ruin me after I chose no contact. It didn't work, because I wouldn't let it work. However, I still feel that I have to carefully choose my words, even anonymously. All I can say right now is never allow a narcissist any significant time with your children.
I don't get it because I suffer from some sort of illness. I am unsure of what it is, but I learned to just live with it. I live by morals and respect people, but sometimes I forget that people are hurt very easily and I have to watch what I say because I don't feel things for people. I do, however, mimic those feelings to try and fit in but struggle each and every day.
Sometimes I believe I shouldn't be in this world and should just end it all. I feel like the me inside has died with what made me human. I don't feel love. I don't feel sad -- just anger -- and don't know how to fix it. It sounds scary but I am the one who has to live with it.
To all you wonderful people that have suffered at the hands of the narcissistic personalities, please get strong and don't let anyone control you. You need to read books about how to read body language, etc. The more you know, the better.
I have a friend who is married to one of these crazy people. She talked to me and I told her there was something wrong with her husband, so we kept talking and we discovered that she was also co-dependent, she didn't have confidence and she was timid, thought she was going to save him and was also submissive. This man listened to her talk about what she liked and wanted in life and then he told her everything she wanted to hear. He was married and made it sound like his wife was so bad to get her to feel sorry for him (co-dependence) and like him.
Now, 16 years later, she has put up with mood swings, anger, mental abuse, him flirting with girls in front of her and control to a point. I told her you need to put our foot down. Remember, this man is not hitting her or drinking, using drugs, etc. He is just narcissistic without the crazy violence (just a jerk).
Well, she started out slow. She did a lot of reading and found out that these people are really weak and have low self-esteem, so when he starting playing the mind games she started saying no, I never said that, and she wouldn't back down and she did this without yelling. She would ask him questions and he wouldn't answer, like she didn't have a right to know. He would say she didn't know what she was talking about. She said it was so much work.
She thinks he might be fooling around, but hasn't caught him yet. This man thinks he is so great but all he talks to are drunks and low life people and he hates everyone. He thinks he's better than they are and it makes him feel good (I really don't know), so my friend whom I have tried to help be stronger and have more confidence, is planning to leave this loser one day but wants to get all her ducks in a row first.
Three days a week she tries to get him to talk. I told her she needs to start getting a little angry, don't let him talk to other women, don't let him confuse you, etc. She knows that he will never change. I'm a very strong woman, I'm street smart and I will not let anyone control me! This is my life and no one has a right to mess with it but me. People have to start standing up to people who are controlling and not let people run all over you. The stronger you will not attract the crazies. They want weak, vulnerable people they can control.
If your partner is violent, don't try to talk or do anything thing different. Just get out as fast as you can. People are willing to help! You will get on your feet. You are a strong person and you can do anything if you set your mind to it. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
Oh, one more thing: my friend and her husband went horseback riding and my friend got bucked off and was unconscious for a few seconds and went she woke up, the jerk was still on his horse and didn't even get off his horse to see if she was O.K. How screwed up is that? It was like he didn't even care about his wife! Everyone, get your life straightened out. You only have one! May God bless you all and give you the strength that you need to get you life on the right track!
The ingredient for Narcissism is "deep shame." They will do everything possible to never feel it ever again. If they do feel it, they will go into a narcissistic rage. It has taken me 65 years to figure this out and hope it helps others.
I have lost hope in finding a way to leave my narcissistic, anger-crazed husband. He finds a way to blame me for anything and everything. He has rage filled outbursts on a regular basis over dropping a q-tip or his napkin falling on the floor or trivial things. It does not matter what I do, I am always wrong in his eyes, or to blame in the end.
You cannot sit and talk things out with him as he will not give you a chance, talking over you like a child. He is constantly slamming things to show his anger and has broken glass tops on furniture and things in the home regularly. He has a selective memory and does not ever take responsibility for his behaviors and actions, always denying them and calling me crazy.
I have no job, no car, and no one to help me. I feel trapped. You cannot have a normal life with this man. He has no heart, no conscience and no love. It is all about him and his needs. He is truly the most terrifying and frightening person I have ever known. I am so exhausted. Will I ever be free?
I am so glad I found this article almost randomly. Serendipity, folks! So I am presently trying to leave one of these men. He constantly talks about himself like he is the stuff and then he'll continue his ranting, speaking badly of others.
A friend of his was at our house one day and she told this story about a person who always says, "You know what I'm sayin'?" It's a sentence that these NS folks use to get people to agree with them, even when they don't. Because we do "know" what they are saying. We just probably don't agree, but because you don't want to talk bad about people since it only reflects on you, if you hear that phrase, run!
This man tricked me with his charisma and fast talking, then turned the faults of our relationship into my faults. Grrr. I am leaving!
I'm strangely not afraid to admit that I am the same person you guys are all talking about. I'm a 24 year old male.
I found this page by googling praise doesn't work downwards, to imply a beggar should never praise a king, that I then used in a nasty little comment on facebook to a person I don't even know on a person's wall whom I have met only once.
I have lied to and used and hurt a lot of people. I have no friends, no long term partners. Jobs are come and go, and so are personal belongings, sisters, mother, family -- nothing matters. All of this that you have read is true and I have just seen everything my life has become turn into writing on this website.
It is very sad that a lot of writing out there is telling me that I will never rid myself of this disorder. I just want to be a normal guy, but I don't feel love. I feel loved most when people say what a well balanced, never-out-of-place and good looking chap I am. I'm going to see someone this week about this.
Stay away from people like me because we are rotten inside. I feel rotten, and we will hurt you, make you feel so low, so worthless, and not good enough. And all the while you are good, and you are all these things we tell you that you aren't. Keep your chin up, get away and stay away.
I am currently in a battle of wills with a man I thought some time ago to be incapable of love or any long term commitments that did not serve him. I have exhausted myself trying to "defend" myself against his false charges and "framing" of me as the guilty one.
I will admit that he has made a habit out of discarding people: his mother, his sister and every one of his wives and children. I gave him some sympathy for his "learning curve" there only to find he has now discarded me, and keeps me around only to toy with me. He has always totally disregarded me, and if I insist on not being "dismissed" and he does let me have anything at all, he shortly takes that away by sabotaging my time to enjoy it. Horrible, extremely passive aggressive.
He uses all the usual tools. I am lost and in danger of losing everything I ever care or dared to care about. Help me hold onto me. I am feeling suicidal. I am so scared about what else can he do.
My father was an overachiever and was very hard on me. I was homeschooled and never saw other people or made any friends until I was 17. I thought I was a god and was meant for the better life like my father, and no one else was worth anything.
One day I read an article about the Columbine kids and realized they thought they were gods too, and they were evil murderers. After I read it, I started to cry. I realized I was like them in that way, and realized that making myself god made me care less about all the awesome people around me. It was hard to face the fact that I was manipulating people to get what I wanted and to get recognition.
I am trying to be normal and more into others than myself, but sometimes, my selfishness pops up and it really bothers me. I became a Christian and realized that there is a God and a creature and we are all the same. That really helped.
Based upon my experience growing up with a mother and father who are both narcissists, I urge anyone who is in a relationship with a narcissist to leave it immediately. Narcissism results from extreme damage that cannot be cured by anyone except the narcissist themselves working for an extensive period of time (years) with a skilled therapist, and I believe it is rare for a narcissist to either sincerely seek meaningful treatment, let alone be cured of the pathology.
Narcissists often create a lot of chaos to distract attention away from them, and because it makes them feel good if they can make other people fight and feel badly towards one another to replicate the bad feelings the narcissist lives with themselves. And they often end up alone or have single one-on-one relationships because they are hyper controlling/domineering and ultimately dangerous, due to an inability to take others in and consider them as separate individuals whose needs are different and as important as the narcissist’s.
The narcissist can inflict a lot of damage to the unsuspecting/unprepared. Please take seriously the pathology and protect yourself from it.
I live in Europe and a friend of mine has really begun displaying these symptoms. He's had them in spats for a long time but ever since his recent employment (IT) he has become so big headed because he's dealing with people who have no idea about computers. He stays biased against certain -- well, most topics, actually, and acts like his every opinion is right and everyone else is wrong. I just cannot endorse or recommend his opinion to others because of it.
Something else that has also made it worse recently is his acquisition of weed. I personally smoke weed and have done for years, and while I am a responsible adult and use it in moderation like everything else in my life, he doesn't seem able to accept it when he he runs out and becomes incredibly irritable.
You can't calmly criticize something he does - despite it being incorrect and him knowing it - without him suddenly flipping out by swearing and yelling out of nowhere. I'll not even start about how much of a hypocrite he is, but this is really exhausting and frustrating as I do my best to keep things civil.
The judging, arguments, stress, and all that stuff is just so uncalled for in the majority of situations. I do think it's the weed exacerbating this recent turn. It just another example of how some people just shouldn't use weed.
I can't believe it. This is exactly what I am going through. My friend that I have been with for 10 years now is doing this and I never knew until I read this.
No matter who, no matter what, he always turns the story around so it's everyones else's fault when something happens. I am so tired of listening to this. What am I to do? He is so charming and nice to other people and when other people are around, but when we are home together it's totally different. Everyone else sees his other side but me. As long as it benefits him, he's all for it. He only talks to me when he wants and never listens to what I have to say.
My husband can be very charming, but if you try and stand up for yourself against him, he is a nasty person. He likes to control you, blame you, twist things against you and then he acts as if nothing happened at all and then wonders why you are hostile toward him.
He is never to blame. He's never done anything wrong and he never listens to anything you say. He knows best. He doesn't care how something affects you, even when you try to tell him how you feel.
I wish I could leave him, but he controlled me when I was ill. He verbally bullied me into medical treatment that has destroyed my health and made me housebound and I get the blame. I wish I had left him sooner.
I have a horrible feeling that I may have been living with someone with these traits. All I know now is that I'm confused and wondering if I'm nuts.
Am I the unreasonable one? Is everything all my fault just like he says? Yes, I've become isolated, but I actually self harmed because I could think of no other way of expressing myself any more. I feel sick with fear. We are currently separated.
I'm very independent due to childhood experiences. (And by the sounds of things, had a narcissistic mother, but that's another story). And even this is held against me.
Perhaps I am, but perhaps it's just me expressing an opinion that differs from his strongly. I recognize the 'never his fault' thing, using stuff that's not his without asking, need for constant attention and the inability to look after himself, while at the same time being charming, handsome and outgoing. Life and soul of the party. Loved by everyone. Or am I just jealous?
I'm not sure what to say. My ex-husband couldn't get a job because everything was below him. I therefore worked very hard to keep him and then, when they came along, our two children.
He has a very inflated opinion of himself; his superiority complex is amazing. He decried any spending of money as being consumerist and laughable. Although he did like spending my money! After 17 years he left me for someone else. What he wanted was me to pay all the bills, and pay him maintenance while he lived in my house with his new partner and the children. This didn't happen and then we saw the awful side of him.
He kidnapped the children, forged letters to the court from them (which was discovered), threatened to kill me, talked to my friends about how awful I am and walked around smiling and being very nice to anyone he thought could help him.
When my friend died, he took the call and went to the funeral with his new girlfriend, pointing out how thoughtless I was. I didn't know about it! He evaluates what he can get or use people for then discards them when they are of no use. He did not have the ability to support me emotionally and I felt isolated and miserable. I ended up drinking too much which he raised as grounds why I could not look after my kids.
I had however, seen this coming and I was almost three years sober in AA so it didn't get considered. It was always his way or no way, so he got a real kicking when the judge ruled heavily against him. He explains this as the bias shown by the judiciary towards women (nothing about his crazy behavior, lies and persecution of court officials who didn't agree with him).
Although, we've been separated almost seven years, I saw him in passing today and I had to leave the shop I was in quickly and go home. I know he constantly seeks revenge (either physical, financial or emotional). I can't cope with any contact with him. I can't let him into our lives at all. My son has no dealings with him but, as it's almost Christmas, he will ring soon to speak to him. I will answer the phone and freeze because I am still afraid.
My 13 year old daughter recently received a head injury caused by falling from her scooter while she was with her father. This has resulted in amnesia and although she is now back to normal, she cannot recall the accident. Her father says he was watching her and says he can't explain what happened.
He took the day off work to stay with her and appeared very concerned, visited briefly the following day and then came around on the third day, hardly acknowledged her and sat watching TV. After that visit, he saw her once for 15 minutes, and put in an appearance at her netball game which I reluctantly let her play.
He not only visited his family, but also my adult daughter and young grandsons, who all live within 5 minutes' drive, but made no attempt to ask how our daughter was nor showed any care and concern.
When I confronted him and asked why he had not been to see her as she was very distressed, angry and upset, all he said was, "Why are you doing this?" Once again, no concern for our daughter. He then went to his sister in law and said he was upset by the accident, but had been working as usual and visiting and socialising as normal.
He did not see her for ten days until I intervened. What worries me is how this happened as he said he was with her and was it an accident? I really don't know what to believe.
What if you grew up being manipulated your entire life and suspect both parents and a younger brother or both brothers to be narcissistic sociopaths?
I'm trying not to let them know that I'm onto them but will have faith and follow my intuition. Thanks for everyone's posts. Still trying to make sense of and understand everything since 2010.
I'm so glad that I found this site. I had been trying for several years to articulate what was being done to me, but no one could understand. I was already caught within the web of a malignant narcissist (MN) - in layman's terms, from what I understand, a narcissist (N) with sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies. I was far too deep within his tempest of insanity to fully comprehend what had been done to me until recently.
As crazy as it may sound, this person basically brainwashed me and manipulated my mind and personality -- all under the guise of benevolence -- just for the sake of making me his "possession."
My MN literally saw me as an alternate version of himself. The notion that he thought of people as nothing more than puppets to manipulate and dispose of when he pleased was so horrifying and ridiculous to me, I refused to let myself believe it and continued opening myself up to him. What a horrible mistake that was.
Well-meaning people cannot have fulfilling relationships with narcissists, especially Mns. I believe some Ns and MNs may be capable of loving others in some capacity, but without therapy, it is next to impossible for them to do so in a meaningful, appropriate and caring way. This MN was also practically incapable of displaying regret, accepting responsibility for his mistakes or admitting wrongs. "Practically" is the key word here because the MN's crazy-making cycle best operates with a hint of possible remorse, care, love, etc., but is never actually expressed. The cycle repeated so many times you're placed within a perpetual state of hopeful doubt – that is, until you finally give into cynicism/reality.
The worst part of the psychological abuse was that I felt like I was literally becoming my MN and that he was in my head. I've never heard of this happening to another person, so I doubt anyone here can relate to the experience, but try to imagine your throat being choked by someone and slowly losing the capacity to breathe, hanging on for dear life - except instead of your throat, it's your brain, and instead of losing your breath, you're losing the capacity to think about anything you've ever loved in your life, including yourself. That's what happened to me for seven years.
I let myself fall victim to childish optimism (and my own psychological problems) and got hell as a result. Only now have I been able to begin the rehabilitation process and regain my sense of self. I learned that optimism can be a great thing to have, but there are far too many people in the world who would do anything in their power to exploit it and twist it just to make others as unhappy and evil as they are.
It all sounds like one bad soap opera plot, but for me, the brainwashing was quite real. In the short term, you may regret leaving a sociopath, narcissist, psychopath, malignant narcissist, etc., but trust me, in the long term, you will regret not leaving them so much more.
I am relieved, but also in tears reading these posts. I am relieved to know I am not the only one out there dealing with this and I am not crazy, but I am heartbroken so many others are going through what I have been through and continue to deal with.
My ex-husband is a narcissistic sociopath. He thrives on my pain and suffering. He has mentally abused me for years and now he is doing the same to my daughter. His father was ex law enforcement and used his connections to “make things happen or not happen,” so my ex thinks he is above the law.
He will do well for a little while, but when things are too quiet and I have ignored him too long, he starts in again. He has been violent before but, like I said, his dad bailed him out so he has not been made to take responsibility. He blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life including the pathetic excuse of a relationship he has (or doesn’t have) with my daughter. He berates her for not wanting to come stay with him. My son is still scared of him and doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so he just abides by “Daddy’s wishes.”
He never thinks of the children first. He just thinks of them as ways to get back at me and something for him to control. I have no idea what to do anymore. It seems like leaving him almost made it worse. I am happily remarried now, but it doesn’t stop him from constantly trying to ruin things. I worry constantly about my children being safe with him.
The thing is about verbal and emotional abuse is you cannot see it and you can’t prove it. It’s the worst kind of abuse. I could leave it, but my children can’t. “Helpless” is an understatement. Why is there no help for victims of this kind of torture? Trust me, its almost impossible to protect your children legally from these kind of people.
I am the child of a bipolar father, who himself is the child of a schizophrenic mother. My mother had signs of narcissism and depression. Looking back, both my parents were physically and probably emotionally abusive. The attributes listed in the article are present in all people, but some utilize them better than others.
I see moral and ethical transgressions every day that are accepted as societal norms.
Self-interest is linked to survival. We all use each other to further our aims and secure our comfort. People come and go in our professional and personal lives, so why is it perceived negatively when we move on after their usefulness to us is finished?
I have two things to say: Prayer in the name of Jesus Christ works along with your faith, and love never fails. It may not appear to be working, but it is.
My father decided to stay with our narcissistic mother. I was 20 years old at the time. Daddy asked each of us four children what we thought. Three of us were grown, and the youngest was a teenager. Once Daddy decided to stay with Mother as her husband, he decided to romance her. Boy, did he romance her! I didn't have some of the problems at home that some of these other posters had. Mama had her problems, but she cooked, kept the house clean, ironed the clothes, etc. Of course, sometimes she threw weird fits of temper, like putting me under a window during a cold window and telling me she wanted me to get pneumonia. I would stand up to Mama. My siblings wouldn't. They were afraid of her.
When I grew up, Mama lied about me something fierce. I was, according to her, paranoid, depressed, schizophrenic, had three different personalities, was on street drugs, etc. I am still running into those lies, and Mama has been gone from this earth for five years. Mostly, she told everyone that I lie all the time and that I'm crazy. Thing is, I loved Mama. Now, this love was from Jesus Christ. I would never have been able to love Mama on my own. Or prayed for her. This was God. Before any of you say that these people can't be helped, Jehovah Elohim created the Heavens and the earth, the sea and everything in them.
Get your Bibles out and get a dose of faith in your Creator. Go to church. Worship Jehovah Elohim. Get the pain out of your system, and learn how to handle the next crazy person who comes along with love instead of hatred.
It's hard for an NS to stop -- harder than it is for most. I will say that I totally commend those who are working at it-everyone has their issues. I have several NS's in my family, and it's what they do with it that makes a difference. I will also say that I used to think everyone should marry and have kids, but I've changed my mind about that. You should not be condemned for recognizing NS, and dealing with it; you should be praised for it.
Try to make up for the past if you can, by trying to love, and get someone to help you interpret your actions (not another NS). There is no shame in that. I hope some people stick to this. I hope they can change.
I am an admitted Narcissistic Sociopath. I have been married three times and have had over 30 jobs, mainly in sales.
I am 40 now, unemployed and live in my parents' basement. I feel paralyzed to do anything for fear of hurting others and myself. I know that right now I could get a job selling cars and date a woman for the sole purpose of taking care of me.
To me, other people are like chess pieces and they can be expendable. It is honestly not something I think about -- it is just how I work. I don't feel like doing chores and manual labor is beneath me. Oh, don't get me wrong, if I'm at a new job or in a new relationship, I seem like a hard devoted worker/partner. That is the issue, right?
I got three women to date me, get engaged and marry. They didn't know, and for that matter, neither did I. Like I said, I'm 40 now and have just come to terms with it.
Ever wonder why almost all of these posts are anonymous? That's the level we are dealing with here. I wish I could highlight the similarities from each post, and add them to the article at the top. Never underestimate them, or their complete lack of love. I know it's hard to hear that, but "there is a way that seems right to a man, but leads to hell". Well, there you go: Jesus thanked G-d the Father for not revealing the way to Him to the Pharisees. See Matthew 12:46-50.
Get away from them, if you are legally able. If you can't be patient, have faith that you can get free from them. They will keep you in the loop as long as you let them. For my part, I don't think they can change. I've seen several and the destruction they have left in their families. Flee.
I read here what I've lived with in my father-in-law for so many years. His wife is totally submissive, and puts on a "kewpie doll" face -- that same blank expression, when he goes after me, my wife or attacks my family.
What is hard is the manipulation behind the scenes, getting the grandmother to go against her granddaughter. Then we hear the true confessions that the behavior started with the grandmother. Then came the inheritance, where the money was carefully and methodically siphoned off from the intended recipients, and the grandmother signed contracts that were worthless with the narcissistic sociopathic son-in-law, a lie from the beginning, where we were supposed to get payments for "life," but I read the contracts and they were worthless.
I can't tell you how abusive and deceitful this type of person can be. Now, his son, coupled with a wife who is known to be bi-polar, is embarrassed by high members of our church who only see that "cool" and sophisticated side of these people. I remember years ago when my brother-in-law would ask to go and do something with my wife and me, and his wife, only to call me up and say he "had a better offer," and then he was off. We were down financially at that time and they would go out and buy a cool Trans Am, or have a computer program and bring it over just to get our reaction. Watch this person very carefully!
They will gain the favor of people who smell the money. They give gifts and do favors for others as long as they pander to them or are a means of achieving their goals. This can be a very bad combination of events. They will throw you aside like a piece of dirt, or turn on you and you will wonder why. If you are down, they love to victimize you, while if you are up, which we eventually became, they were jealous in the extreme of anything we purchased. I remember watching the brother-in-law stepping out of his van and looking at our SUV. He turned pale – literally -- when he saw it. If you haven't been through this before, don't judge others for their hatred of this trait. They may have lived in years of hell without any empathy due to the behavior behind the scenes.
It was sad being wed to my wife (who is precious in the extreme) who told me stories of his cruelty to animals. She told me of many other things but another that was so sad was that kept the heat off in their home so he could finance his fishing trips. She would hover over a heat duct just to get some heat in her clothes when he decided to put it on.
I'm sorry, but he can burn in hell. I have a love and hatred for this person, these persons, and they can be the most abusive people, especially when backed by a religious group, or others seeking the money they flaunt around them. I have more stories, so many that I could write a book if I had time to do so.
Get them out of your life, slowly, quietly and very carefully (because they are extremely intelligent) prepare your way out. Don't let them know or even have a hint you are doing this.
They will dust you and tear you to shreds and people will believe they love and care for you every day. They will hide their manipulations from their wife or husband so they can't see it, and then the spouse will support them completely due to the reprisals against them.
Please pray for us, that we may get away from these relatives forever without our further harm. They took my wife's inheritance, stole, lied and slandered us to a church (in the name of praying for us), told their similar friends lies (had some of them apologize when they realized what the f-in-law was really like and that he had lied to them about me). But the real threat is the cold manipulative behavior that plots every second of the day, you can see the wheels turning in their heads. Paranoia is a daily occurrence, they will try to be normal. Do not think they are better! This too will pass. Get out of it, and take your family with you if you can.
I've had 15 years of going through the same thing as most of you. The night of the hurricane, my 61 year old nutjob bedded down with a 24 year old, and threw my stuff into garbage bags. He called me on the phone to inform me I was moving out.
One month later, he married her at our cabin! He told no one -- not the kids, and not me. As long as they're happy, that's all that counts.
If you see the signs described on this page, get out before you waste years of your life, because it will end poorly!
Wow, they really are cookie cutter personality disorders. All seem to have the same behaviors. After ten years of manipulation, abuse, gaslighting and being discarded when I was ill and of no more use to him, I'm finally getting a divorce. Going through it now is very stressful, since there is no level they won't stoop to. My lawyer doesn't understand how he can be, and I don't feel she will cope with the fabrications and constant lies on documents to make himself look good, along with the abject cruelty and mental torture. I'm not at all sure he will not be able to manipulate the judge in his favor, since he always manages to project all his faults onto me.
Normal people just don't know these kind of monsters exist every day around us -- in the office, at school. They look normal, but they cause total destruction. They lack any conscience and empathy. Imagine what you would be capable of without a conscience. I'm so grateful I didn't have a child with this monster. But 99 percent of people would be completely fooled by him.
Although I wish I could avoid having to ever see my narcissistic ex partner ever again, we have a child together, and for this reason we still have contact at times. Last night was one of those times at a family function, where I sat and watched this man in action. He was charming, friendly, happy, laughed all night, bought drinks for everyone, making sure he was seen offering to get me a drink also. He chatted to everyone about myriad topics, and generally was the life of the party. My heart breaks as I see the man I met over 14 years ago and never set sight on again unless there was an audience.
Since we hardly ever went out together, had less than two weeks away in total over our fourteen years together, almost never had visitors unless it was family birthdays or Christmas, this happy, friendly, interested, caring person did not exist in the lives of our daughter. Instead, the person who shared our home and our lives was cold, distant, stingy with his money, his time and his love. He was mean, very very angry, dark, selfish, arrogant, hurtful and abusive mentally, emotionally, psychologically and eventually, in my case, physically.
I have been left with nothing. I am still unable to work. I find it very difficult to hold a conversation. I have changed from an independent, capable, open, loving woman into a shell of a human being and find it very difficult, if not almost impossible, to participate in life, as I now am unable to trust anyone or believe that I am worth anything, or have anything to offer.
I am ashamed that I tried so hard to love this person who seemed so lost and broken, when in reality I was used, abused, lied to and cheated on. There was no end to the many forms of abuse, intimidation, fear, loneliness and hurt, and as I watch this man whom everyone once again tells me is such a great person, I hear the unspoken belief that the breakdown of our relationship must have been my fault as he is so wonderful, kind, loving and generous. There couldn't possibly be anything wrong with him, could there?
I walked away with nothing, to live in a rented flat with our daughter who is the most wonderful, delightful human being who has been put in the position of having to live with the father who has two faces: the one who chose to destroy our family, home and future, and the lovely man whose company everyone enjoyed last night. How do I ever give her a rational explanation for his behavior, when there is none?
My narcissistic ex keeps returning back to my hometown. He was a real nasty piece of work and often threatened to kill me, and have my kid placed into foster care. He made umpteen false allegations against me including that I slashed his dog, beat him up and deliberately set fire to his flat. He has tried to get me charged umpteen times for things I did not do, none of which worked barring one time when he and two strangers attacked me in the street. I managed to fend them off and he had me charged for assault on him.
He has broken into my flat, attacked me, threatened to kill me and cut my head to ribbons with a wine bottle. This is one evil so-and-so. He was in court just last January for the break-in and assault and threats to murder me and he still keeps coming back. I have not seen this SOB for two and a half years, yet he still lurks around my small town, snooping, telling lies, trying to whip up hostility and as per usual, get others to do his dirty work for him.
I recently came home from work to a letter from one of his old neighbor's insurance companies accusing me of deliberately causing a fire in his flat three years ago and that wants me to accept liability! I have phoned this company and asked where they got their info from and I was told by his landlord's insurance company! I was never held responsible from the police or charged with any fire, yet I'm getting accused of this by his neighbours. After seeking legal advice, I was told that no insurance company can pursue for liability based on hearsay. This yet again appears to another attempt by this evil creep to get at me.
I'm currently seeking a new residence with my son so that he cannot ever find out where I am ever again! these people are relentless in their pursuit of you and once they have set their sights on you as a target, you are a target for life! They are pure evil! Everyone has to remember one very serious and simple fact about these people: they have no empathy, no sense of remorse and humanity. That's why it is so important that you cut all ties, shut down, do not engage, do not try to reason with them, do not talk to them and involve the police at every turn! They are dangerous, predatory stalkers!
Guys, if they see your weakness, they prey on it because they thrive on it. It's what they want: to see you upset, scared and unable to get on with your life. I've just started university and I suspect he may have found out, hence the stalking and abuse has started up again. I believe it will never end to be honest. Do yourselves a favor. Stop punishing yourselves and looking for the human in these jerks. They don't have a human side, trust me. It's a game, they love it, and by the way, time is a healer because see all the people he had set against me three years ago? They have all seen the light and hate him now. I now get messages and invites from them and basic stuff like how are you doing?
They always trip themselves up because they do not operate like the rest of us. They do not make friends like the rest of us in a normal, humane and loving way. They objectify people and use them for their own means – usually to get at you, their target!
Just cut your losses, get the police involved, move, and rebuild your life. Ignore the creeps. They hate it. That's what's wrong with my ex weirdo – as if he's going to get anywhere near me ever again. The only communication he will get from me is if he's planning his next move -- and I am guessing he is – the police!
Just get away from them, rebuild, heal your life. You have a right to live and have your sanity. Speak out about the abuse. You must tell others, even if they don't listen. They soon will, because, guaranteed, he/she will screw up and show others their true nasty side! Life will get better, believe me. Like I said, time is a healer. Take the first step towards it and protect yourself always. Read as much as possible about their personality disorder and let the authorities deal with them because you can't! Best to all.
I feel so much better after reading these posts after stumbling across this page on Google. I've felt very alone and like no one understands. I feel like I'm going out of my mind and very stuck with this narcissist. Two kids and twenty years later, he won't leave and I am scared to death to.
I'm so glad I'm not alone! Thank you to all the posters. I've been terrified that my own mother might kill me or my children. What she killed, however, is ever having a relationship with us again. I'm free! I'm me, and the the most kind considerate loving person. I never knew I was until now! I'm 40 and loving life. I'm so happy I'm not 80 writing this!
Thanks all of you! I'm feeling safe and beautiful as a person from here on.
My mother got upset with me by standing by my husband's side. She called everyone I've ever known and told them I was going to kill my own children because I hated her.
I don't know what this is. I would never hurt my children, my animals, my worst enemy, truth be told. Did she say this because she feels she wants to murder me and my children? How does that thought cross a mother's mind?
I've never thought of killing anything -- or anybody for that matter. I feel bad when snails eat my tomatoes. I simply take them somewhere else. I have killed bugs before, but I feel bad about that. How could my own mother say this about me? I am afraid she really wants to hurt me beyond repair. She has mentally, emotionally, and physically hurt me my entire life.
Now, that she's completely out of my life, her final words have scared me to death. She told me she was embarrassed by me since the day I was born. Should I be scared? Somebody, please help me! I can't live in fear forever.
The last 40 years of my life were dictated by her and living in fear of ever doing anything wrong. I really don't want to lose any more time worrying about how she will destroy me and my children.
I am very scared for all of us. I still have the last threatening message she left on my voicemail and it's venomous! --Emily
I've been reading the above statements, and found it very interesting how other people have been through these issues. I am 52 years old and have a mother who never received psychological treatment. I have seen her grow worse even in the last year. I really thought she had it together 30 years ago, but it was not true. She learned to say the right things but inside, I guess the symptoms were worsening. As an infant and young adult, I didn't have a clue, but looking back now, I wonder how long she actually suffered. Her brother committed suicide when they were teens, and they never talked about it. Then she had an unfaithful husband, who she allowed to be that way as long as the bills were paid -- 26 years.
At one point, she seemed to have dual personalities when it came to admitting it. Now she is remarried and had some similar problems but won't admit it, and has become worse at blaming everyone around her for her situation, making you feel all the pains she has suffered with all over again and again. It's such a struggle deciding when she might be sincere or not.
I really wonder how much of her behavior is willful and how much is a sickness. Even so, she is a very good-hearted woman and I pray for her, but she hates that too! It's devastating to lose one's own parent to psychological impediments. If only she could stay in one world of reality.
I know she is suffering, and it affects us all. Knowing how to let go and hold on at the same time is so difficult.
May the Lord God who shows great compassion help me be strong enough to endure and walk in love. --jrm
My ex has traits of both antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy) and narcissistic personality disorder. He led me on for three years, pretending he wasn’t to see me more than he could. There were so many lies. He told me work was in the way, his kid was in the way, etc. Then three years later, he told me he really didn’t want to spend more time with me and that he was just making excuses not to see me. He told me he couldn’t email me because the person he lived with was always on the computer. Then he got to know her through emails. Then he came to my city to cheat on me with her because she lived in my city and this is a very small city.
This was a man who claimed up and down to love me. He cheated on me and threw the new woman in my face time and time again. He told me it was worth it to stomp on my heart and make me physically sick. No remorse. No apology.
He harassed me and tried to force me to be his friend. He wrote me a 15-page letter, mostly about her, and sent it to my house. He left phone messages about her and text messages about her. He called my house last year on Thanksgiving to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving, even though I sent him a text before that telling him to leave me alone.
Now he’s living here and I have to see him with the woman he cheated with and threw in my face. He has caused me unspeakable pain and he seemed glad to do it.
I’m going to try to move because the sight of them together makes me sick and he did so much to me. He truly, truly damaged me and actually thought it was funny to try to destroy me.
My mother was a sociopathic-narcissist (say that five times real fast!). I loved my mother a lot. When I was small, I wanted to be just like her. By the time I was 10 years old, I realized some things. What things? Oh, like she wanted to manipulate our lives. Mama enjoyed sewing, and she loved the praise she received from the dresses she sewed for herself and for me. Meanwhile, she was fudging on the groceries and telling Daddy that she just didn't have enough money to buy a lot. We ate, but what I didn't realize is that my older brother was growing and he stayed hungry all the time. He couldn't eat scrambled eggs for breakfast, but Mama gave them to him anyway. So he went to school hungry.
The lunches she packed us were not that large. Mama got to where supper was a sandwich and milk. We had no large meals during the school year until Daddy caught on to her. She had lied to him, and he wanted to trust her.
Finally, since I was growing too, went into the fridge and got some bologna to eat. I negotiated bread and butter, too, with Mama. When Daddy discovered some marks on our hands that indicated the beginning of malnutrition, Mama found some parts missing on her sewing machine, and we ate better for the next couple of weeks. Daddy eventually solved the eating problem.
Every now and then, Mama would have these "fits". She would scream/fuss/humiliate all of us kids, and slap my sister, shake me and slap me. My brother would just turn pale. This happened once. I bit her. She stopped. The doctor sent out some medicine. My sister had a fever. It was wintertime. Mama turned off the floor furnace so we had no heat. I got up and turned the heat back on. Mama turned it back off. My 2 year old brother was in a baby bed and the thermostat was over that bed. I didn't challenge Mama again. I just got my robe from the closet to cover my sister. She was shivering. My mother heard me and jerked the robe off of my sister and told me to hang it up. I kept finding things to cover my sister up with, to make her warm, but Mama would always catch me. Finally, Daddy got home from work, and I ran to the front door and told him that Dale had a fever. He gave her aspirin. He turned the heat on and got our blankets back from Mama. Mama didn't cross Daddy.
I was 11 years. old. Daddy told me to put the blanket on me, too, because he knew I would put my part of the blanket on Dale. She always got so cold. Thank God for Daddy.
As I got older and larger, my challenges to Mother became more physical. When I was 13, she wanted me to sleep under a window in the winter with the cold, hard wind blowing in. She said she wanted me to get pneumonia. It was at this time that I noticed that Mama never bought us warm clothes or pajamas. I got my fill of the cold wind, and got up and pushed Mama against the closet door. I was 13 and scrawny. My mother kind of "woke up", and couldn't say anything. This was the fifth night she had done this. I was tired. Enough was enough. Daddy came home and did not reprove me. He knew how Mama was. She was getting crazier by the year.
When she was 16, my sister Dale came home from school with her hands semi-frozen. They hurt her so bad she was crying. Mother never bought us hats or gloves to wear in the cold. My brother and I vowed to buy Dale some nice gloves. And surprise! Daddy bought Dale some nice warm gloves that were better than the ones Robert and I had gotten.
Mother believed in the criticism, mockery and anything else she could think of to make her children feel small. I survived because of Daddy, and my deep faith in Jesus Christ. If Daddy hadn't been there, no telling what would have happened to us. Daddy was my hero. In my mind, Daddy was just like Jesus. Daddy refused to divorce Mother because back then, the mother always got the children. He couldn't let that happen to us. Daddy is gone now, too. I am so grateful that he was my father.
I still love my mother for all of the good things she did, and she did a lot of good things, things that made us happy as a family. Not a day goes by that I don't think of the funny things Mama said or the way she danced to be funny, or the time she stuck her head around the corner of the living room and said, "Hey! You want to see The Elephant Walk?" (It was a popular song then). Then Mama walked across the living room. We got the joke and laughed, except my brother, who said, Mama, you aren't fat! No she wasn't. I'm glad I had her as a mother. I still wish I could understand some of the things that went on.
It was such a relief to come across this article and to learn that there were other people like my father out there. I always said there was something mentally wrong with him and now I am pretty sure that he is indeed a narcissistic sociopath.
As his now adult child, I can relate to some of these other posts. Yes, I always had a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, and I never had to want for anything, but that's about it. Where to start though?
Since the divorce of my parents, I can finally see all the things that my mother has been saying for years. Nothing we ever did was good enough. He always compared us to others he thought were better than us. He abused my mother for nearly all of their marriage. He made fun of her, belittled her and played those mind games that he was so good at. However as a child, I never noticed this.
Since I've grown up, I can witness these things firsthand. Nothing I ever do is good enough. He lies right to my face. He makes me look like an imbecile in front of family and his new wife, (obviously when I am not present). I can only imagine what these people think because of the tremendous lies he's told over time.
If you try to have a real conversation and it doesn't interest him, he'll zone out and give you this weird face until you give up and leave. Forget about trying to tell him there's something wrong with him' he'll put a spin on it and make it look like you're the one with the problem.
He'll also show anyone who'll listen his wall of famous people that he's met. No one cares, but act interested or you'll regret it.
Anybody have any ideas how long it'll take his new family to figure out the "real" him? They only know the phoney loser that he puts out in public.
I just realized today that my mother is a narcissistic sociopath and after 40 years of abuse I put my foot down. I'm done.
For the past week, my ex partner has refused to see our daughter because I dared to ask him for information. It seems that if I speak, have an opinion or a concern, this is reason enough to set him off. Then comes the anger, the cold as ice glare, the payback taken out on our child.
Today I had to sit her down and try to explain his behavior to her, and hope that she believes and understands that none of this is her fault. How can a parent do this and not care about the pain, grief, distress and confusion they cause their child?
I am recently out of a relationship with narcissistic sociopath. We dated for two months before I figured out something was not right with him and ended the relationship.
Shortly after that, I found that I was pregnant and decided to go through with the pregnancy. I told him about the pregnancy (something I regret), but thought it was the correct thing to do, but told him I was not interested in a relationship with him.
His behavior prompted me to file for a restraining order which was denied due to not enough evidence, but it helped to keep him away. Once the baby was born, I let him know and shortly after he charmed me again and moved in. The baby was two months old when he started living with us. Of course after a few months of good behavior he thought he had fooled me and the emotional, psychological abuse started. I finally got the courage to kick him out.
Now he is trying to get split custody of our 10 month old and of course feels that he does not need to pay child support and instead, is hoping to get it from me! The nerve. I just started working again after two years of being unemployed. I'm barely making ends meet and now having the expense of an attorney and more emotional damage. He claims that is going to do like Dwayne Johnson.
I have now figured out he is a narcissistic sociopath and reading some of the postings on here gave me chills. He has quite an extensive criminal record and my attorney claims we have an excellent case, but I don’t wish this on anyone. I wish to reach other you women out there so you can learn from my mistakes. Don’t trust so easily and listen to your gut; it usually is right!
I was so unhappy in my own life and lonely that I fell for this monster. Any advice, words of encouragement? I read somewhere that we never get more than we can handle but I’m exhausted.
@anon287067: The problem with narcissists is that they don't love anyone but themselves. So, she probably doesn't exactly love her son, in the way normal people understand the word. He is, as you said, an extension of her, and a means of control.
Having said that, I highly recommend you and your husband get counseling before she ever gets to the U.S. If he won't go, go alone, and get your kids in family therapy, if possible.
Also, if ever there's a situation that screams "mother-in-law apartment," this is it. She needs her own space, including a kitchen. That way, you're still "taking care" of her, but she's really taking care of herself. The apartment should be separate from your living space, and should have a separate entry and exit, so you can shut your door.
Work with your counselor on setting boundaries. With someone like your mother-in-law, this can feel like it's next to impossible, but your husband is going to have to back you up on it. You both will have to agree to stick up for each other, and *refuse* to allow the MIL to pit you against each other. No matter what she says, smile and nod, and then go off and do what you want to do. No matter how outrageous the lies are, pleasantly agree with her and then ignore it. Period. You cannot give her *any* satisfaction that you're responding to her garbage, because people like that love and thrive on conflict. Any response other than a nod and a smile will throw fuel on the fire.
Once she figures out her manipulation is not going to work, she'll either demand to move, or she will cease operations for a while. But she'll probably start up again.
I can tell you this is going to require a new way of responding to your MIL. You are going to have to work on not rising to the bait -- ever. You can't. One victory for her, and she will take over.
So get counseling on dealing with this woman now, and setting healthy boundaries. Good luck.
Please help me.
I am Indian. I have a clear cut narcissistic sociopathic mother-in-law. For several years, she tried to wreck my marriage. Although she has tried to control my husband over the years, she could not completely take over him. Over the years, I have realized that she did not even love her own husband as much as she should, and it looks like her love for her son was more than normal. It is shocking, but she felt that he was an extension of her 'beautiful' self, rather than her husband.
Anyway, after my marriage, my husband and I moved to the US. She tried everything possible to disturb our peace, even from a long distance away. Now, my father in law has died, so she is moving in with us. I cannot say no because of the social culture among us.
Here are my questions.
Does staying away from home for work rather than being at home help?
She will try to create differences between me and my husband. God knows what drama is going to unfold.
I have two children and I want them to have a normal life. What are your tips for me?
She is looking at taking over the kitchen. Is that a good idea?
My husband is going to be squished between me and his mother.
I don't know how much he understands about this behavior. Obviously, it is hard for a son to imagine that his mother can be having a horrible personality trait.
Please, please help me.
I just got out of a 13 year relationship with a woman who is a narcissistic sociopath. She actually moved in with me about a year ago because she could not meet her financial obligations as it relates to her mortgage. After providing her refuge in my residence, I soon found out that she was carrying on another relationship with a another man who lived two floors underneath me. When I realized this was going on behind my back, I asked her to vacate my premises. She did so and immediately discarded and devalued me, and recently married her new narcissistic supply.
They clearly operate out of selfishness. Now that she has found a new victim, I can't begin to tell you how happy I am to no longer have her in my life creating the stress and drama that comes with dealing with an emotionally sick individual.
Their reality is not your reality. They have no life plan, a life full of bad decisions, and absolutely no accountability for their actions. It's always someone else's fault. I no longer have to deal with the pathological liar. My life is so much better because she's not in it.
I feel for the new narcissistic supply because he's only a pawn in her chess game. I had no other alternative but to hand her over to God and keep her in prayer. This chick has more game than Parker Brothers.
I couldn't figure out a so-called friend of mine until I read these postings. I have known her for about six years now. She is really friendly and helpful when she needs something or she needs attention. If she doesn't need anything, she's aloof and actually avoids me.
I have been there for her whenever she needed help. She tells me what a good friend I am, and then just tosses me aside when she no longer needs help. Her late husband told me these things, but I just thought they were fighting. I'm a independent women and I care for people. I realized she had no friends from her past years. Odd. I now know what I'm facing and I will adjust accordingly.
What hurts so much is you survive the abuse in its many and varied forms, summon the strength to leave, only to know the damage he has caused to our lives by isolating my child and me totally.
None of my family support me and believe him because he is friendly, polite, helpful, charming, and so laid back as I have been told. This makes me feel that I am the problem. I feel so completely alone and such a failure for thinking I was strong enough to deal with his behavior. I haven't even been able to return to work. We lost our home, and I lost my self respect.
I have just come to learn that my soon-to-be-ex husband is more than verbally/psychologically abusive, but is a narcissistic sociopath, too! I feel so upset and angry that I wasted 20 years with this man. Now he has emotionally pulled my two teenagers away from me and they live with him.
I feel lower than a snake! He keeps turning it around to say that I abandoned the family by leaving him, not the truth that he was in a drunken rage and violently shoved me to the ground as the final straw. I left with my then 13-year-old last year, while my then 16-year-old refused to come and I had no legal say. but had to go to protect my emotionally fragile 13-year-old.
We are still going through the legal process and haven't gotten divorced yet. I am fighting for full custody of my now 14-year-old. My 17-year-old is beyond legal help. I am worried sick and do not know what to do on a daily basis! My family feels like they were charmed and manipulated by him for years as well.
I just can't get over how many red flags I missed. And even worse, how am I supposed to just sit and wait for my kids to see it and "come back" to me? They think he is the best, as I am the strict one a.k.a. the parent, while he is Mr. Vacation Fun Dad and is destroying them! Does anyone have any useful advice? --So Sad!
I've come across my first narcissistic sociopath, and he is someone I will never forget it. He's charming and extremely intellectual. He will convince you to do just about anything -- even things you are uncomfortable doing.
He's very manipulative and hard to spot, because he doesn't show his true colors until he knows he's got you. He will gain your trust and once he knows you have fallen for him, he knows he now has a new victim: someone to control and damage mentally. He knows your weaknesses and will use them for his own advantage.
I've always thought that I was good at figuring people out, but then I came across him and he has been proving me so wrong. I feel like a complete fool for letting myself be manipulated, and what's crazy is, I knew to a point that I was being manipulated, but I got so caught up in his charm and him period that I made myself believe what he was saying and felt was real and that he wasn't manipulating and being dishonest to me.
I wanted to believe so bad that he cared for me, but in the end as I thought back about things, there were signs. but because of my loneliness and unhappiness, I didn't want to acknowledge them.
I hope someone reads this before they get caught up in the same crazy web. Don't trust so easily because you never know who you are dealing with. Even when you think you know, you have no idea.
I am glad I googled this article. In my late thirties, and as a mother of three beautiful kids, and a wife to a wonderful man, I realized I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
All my life, I have tried my best to satisfy her, and nothing was ever good enough. If I got a B on a test, I was ridiculed, sometimes even beaten. My diaries were read, my friends pushed away from me. The goal was to ruin my self esteem, push me away from any other person/relationship, so I would exist only to adore and satisfy her.
I developed an eating disorder, and later in life and college could not function properly. Regardless of the circumstances, I suffered to the point of self destruction to make good grades, to make money (even as a student) so I could give my mother some. When tired and exhausted, I would resort to food to numb me and bring comfort into my life. Having a full stomach to the point when it physically hurt would make me feel numb enough on the inside so I could "feel better" while dealing with her demands on me.
Marriage, living away from home and a wonderful father (totally opposite of her) helped me forget some of the childhood and young adult traumas, but I always felt her presence deep down in my soul.
After my father passed away, I felt that I had to help her, regardless of the past. I became close to her (again), and helped her financially and emotionally. She used this to her advantage, again to make me feel miserable, energy-less and numb, just like when I was a little girl. I would neglect my kids and just lie on the floor crying, knowing that there is nothing I can do to resolve the issue.
Finally, I have decided to move on and limit my relationship with her, and in this way protect not only myself, but also my children, and my husband. When narcissism has taken an extreme form, I strongly believe there is no cure for such a person.
I have been reading this topic with great interest. I wonder if my mother could be characterized as having a narcissistic personality disorder.
My mom was the type of person who would always crave the spotlight in family or public gatherings. She always bragged that it was the “Leo” side of her (star sign) that made her attract others. I recall many times in my life where she would be the main person talking and would not be so interested in hearing others contribute to the conversation. If anybody had a different opinion on a subject, my sister and I would hear all about it later. In private, she could quickly blow up in a rage and subject us to verbal abuse and physical abuse, especially towards my older sister. My mother’s blow outs were draining. We were called everything in the book. But if the phone rang and it was not a relative, she could, at the drop of a dime, turn off her rage and be polite and funny on the phone.
After each of these episodes, it was never talked about again. My mother would never try to discuss problems as a family should. It was always somebody doing something against her. She has never up to this day apologized -- ever -- for her behavior. She always played the victim card and attributed her behavior as a result of some external factor (her ex-husband, her mother, her job, her ungrateful children). She never pointed the finger at herself. She was never wrong.
At some point, I began to ask myself if my mother actually lacked real empathy. Everybody in our family is estranged from her, except my sister, who is more forgiving. However, I’m afraid my mother only sees her as an easy mark.
Growing up, all I heard was how terrible my aunt and uncle were, how terrible my grandmother was, and how terrible my father was. After I left the house and moved on with my life, I was able to establish good and loving relationships with all those people. My mother accused me and my sister of high treason and threatened that karma would come back to haunt me. But now I realize there was a darker reason why she could not sustain those relationships.
Even today, if I were in the same room with my mother, I would not be comfortable. I would always be on my guard and not allow her to know too much of my life, which in the past she has used in demeaning ways against me. Could she have this condition?
I'm in a position where I know. I have a seven year old niece who has narcissistic sociopath personality disorder. Her mother has traits of it too. I've had to wash my hands of these two people in order to protect my family.
It was genes that came from our own mother. These people are beyond cold and can never be helped.
Gosh, the posts above are all so true. The charisma is the first trait usually. Then they try to charm you into answering something or doing something that you don't really think is appropriate, but they charm you into thinking oh, it's just for fun or being sexy. Once you answer or accept, they dig one level deeper, and so on, until you feel stupid. If this is a romantic relationship, you may feel you have to be a better, sexier, stronger, less sensitive (the list goes on) person than you are.
Be very aware of these feelings as they arise, they are caused by the narcissist implying and inferring through slights disguised within complimentary conversation. As soon as you start to question your worth and your goodness and your sexiness, or your behavior or value as a woman, you know you are with a narcissist. He thrives on making a show putting you on a pedestal while making you doubt yourself more day in, day out, until he can have his total way with you.
Beware ever doing something illegal or naked or embarrassing, because in the end when you want to leave, he will post it on the internet, show it to your boss in an attempt to get you fired, embarrass you in front all your friends and associates -- in other words, destroy you -- if he doesn't actually try to kill you.
One big key: if you find that you cannot express to him sadness and hurt as a result of his insensitive behavior to you without him turning it around on you, saying you are ungrateful and how dare you put him down because of all he's done for you, you know he is a narcissist.
I was with a real super narcissist ten years ago. I was afraid of breaking up with him, in fear of what he might do as he implied he would destroy all my belongings, discredit me to my boss by calling her on my sick days and telling her he didn't know where I was and could she tell him, calling friendly employees and saying untrue things which made them avoid me when I needed as many friends as possible. Of course, he was "self-employed" and home all the time (another key feature because they cannot work with others). The list goes on.
You never get over their insincere crocodile tears and in the end how they never loved you, even though they can be the most poetic. They only used you for you were their plaything, slave, toy, something to manipulate for their conceited pleasure.
I thought this guy was an odd occurrence, but I find there are an abundance of people like this out there. Because I am friendly and giving, and attractive, and most importantly, was emotionally abused as a child, I seem to be a target for N's. They try one manipulation then another to test you, if you are a trusting person with a good heart.
I've learned since to always question odd statements that people make. If the person is evasive, especially about something that isn't such a personal matter, he is lying. If he's a narcissist, he'll quickly stop being too interested in you, if he can see you won't take no for an answer to something that doesn't sit well.
I now am skilled enough to know a narcissist just by using my intuition. Listen to your body and mind's reaction to a person when they approach you and sometimes you can spot it right off. It is OK to judge people quickly and react for self- preservation. You can choose not to interact with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable, and you don't have to waste your time trying to find out why. Just walk away.
And if you actually know someone fits the narcissistic personality profile, don't walk, run! There is no cure, because they will never, ever admit they are wrong, unless it is only a temporary ploy to get something bigger and better from you. Do not let any website or psychologist give you false hope. A normal person who loves another person will do whatever it takes to understand and work with you on life, not demand and have selfish expectations that make you feel like you are "less-than".
I am in my early 20s. I am (or I prefer "was") the daughter of a narcissistic sociopath father. This man was a real bleep. Extremely physically abusive the early years of his marriage, toward my mother and my siblings and me. He would do everything listed above, except his "drug/alcohol" was online gaming-- it was his life. Wake up, play for an hour, go to work, come home, immediately go on the computer, demand food from me, play until late, take a shower, bed, and the next day, same thing. He was extremely vindictive, manipulative, and emotionally abusive -- everything was to the dismay of his children. There was no "I'm proud of you," or "I love you," through words nor actions. However, to the outside world, like to neighbors, fellow churchgoers, etc, he would put on this perfect act of sweetness and a loving personality. But behind doors was threatening to kill my mother, throwing us against walls, etc.
All throughout my school years, I struggled with low feelings of self worth, always felt ugly, and never, ever imagined myself being successful in anything. I believe God has healed me of much of the damage he has done, and has brought me out of/over things to understand them, thus giving me strength. As odd as it sounds, I'm glad to an extent that these things did happen, because now, I can see a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist and just plain liars from a mile away. I take the precautions necessary to avoid them, and know how to deal with them.
I yearned in my later childhood for the divorce. When it happened, people felt the need to comfort me, but in my heart I was overjoyed. We didn't have to live with that anymore. We told our mother, "Mom, we don't care if we have to live in a cardboard box. We (Mother and children) are all together."
I grew up a tiny bit in the Christian community. I've gone through my own tests, trials, and questions concerning God, and I have chosen to believe in the witness of Jesus Christ, not out of comfort bounds, but real belief in comparison to anything else.
But the one thing I absolutely cannot stand about any branch of Christianity is the much neglected and misconstrued topic of divorce. Over the near-20-year marriage of my parents, they had gone to several Christian family counselors. My mother would tell them all, “He's beating me, he's beating our children!” And all they would do is slap the man on the wrist, tell him he was wrong, and not do anything about it. Only one pastor, a very renowned and famous pastor, ironic as I see it, ever told my mother, "Get a divorce... it's only a matter of time before he does something." And that's the way I believe it should be approached. You can argue that God didn't intend for divorce -- which I believe -- but God did not intend for marriage to be a brutally abusive nightmare under the reign of a man with obvious mental issues. One woman I heard on a Christian radio station would exclaim, "I don't care what anyone says: nothing good has ever come out of divorce!" I was ticked. Yeah, you're right, nothing good -- except us staying alive. God's intent is not that anyone stay in a guaranteed death bind- that is not "fruitful."
Concerning Christian families, I can say that I've seen lots of Christian husbands/fathers love the right way, and not slaughter what the Bible says about marriage, which is not to, "Do what thy husband says no matter what," but simply obey him, unless it comes into conflict with something that is obviously wrong. Regardless of religion, human nature is human nature, and abusive men will use any means to be abusive: Christian, Hindu, Islam, agnostic, black, white, green, Republican, Democrat, etc.
Anyway, the man is essentially a robot. If he sees no benefit in you, you are "cast aside." I do not see him a victim, but as someone fully responsible for all his actions. Hell, I'm a victim, but is that an excuse for me to be abusive toward anyone?
Finally, I came to a clear understanding of him, about a year ago, and stopped striving to have a relationship with him. In a nutshell, he's denied me as his child, and here's how I view it: "Because you hath denied me as your Savior, in the same I shall deny you before My Father." Because he denied me all the most precious years of my life as his daughter, I deny him as my father. At this point, if anyone asks me, I simply say I don't have a father, because, truthfully, I didn't. He was just a monster in our house.
Anyway! Thought I might give a bit of a testimony as a child of neglect, but I believe I've been healed (still being healed, as it is.) I'm so very happy to say that, I have nothing to do with this man. Ever. He will never have my phone number, never have my address, never know what I do for a living, never know I have children. Never. And it feels so good. I feel free.
Many of the world's dictators in the past and in present day are narcissistic sociopaths. They may think that they are on the very highest level of society. They demand praise and royalty in many forms from their subjects.
Never allowing criticism, especially about his government, he brings down punishment on the people.
His people have few, if any rights. Depending on economic or political situations, he manipulates what people can have or do.
Whenever a crisis occurs, like an uprising,or a rebellion, he goes from scary to dangerous. He will begin to imprison and kill those who stand up to him.
It's probably true that with narcissistic personalities with sociopathic tendencies, the root of the problem begins with a childhood where their basic needs were not met, so they have to compensate with other behaviors. Of course, genetics probably plays some role also.
In our society, we have some people with mild narcissistic traits. They like to be the center of attention and need constant attention and praise. They cope well enough in jobs and relationships, but are not very happy.
Then up the line, there are those who are charismatic leaders. They are charming and can rationalize everything they do - legal or not. They may manipulate vulnerable people to give money in the name of God, and then keep it all. These kinds of narcissistic sociopaths are the ones we need protection from.
@Sunshine31 - I think that people that are narcissistic on some level must always have a void because it is impossible for everyone to always praise you and think you are terrific. After a while, people get tired of people like this because a healthy relationship involves a certain level of give and take and with the narcissist it is always about them.
It is like they are never satisfied and can’t go out and just enjoy life like regular people do. They always have to have the spotlight on themselves which probably turns off the very people that they need to befriend in order to change their life.
The other problem that they have is that since they have such a high opinion of themselves they will never seek therapy because they feel that it is everyone else’ fault. I read that even when people do seek therapy it often takes years to undo all of that destructive thinking.
@Oasis11 -People that are narcissistic also hold grudges like you have never seen. If you even attempt to confront a narcissist about their problems they will not only react with rage but will stop talking to you altogether. I have a cousin that is like this and whatever she says goes because her opinion is superior to others and you don’t want to argue with her.
People like her also take advantage of every possible situation that will benefit them with no regards to how others feel. For example, when my uncle died he had no will but a substantial bank account. My other cousin that was my uncle’s legal guardian had signing rights on the account cashed out the account on the advice of the narcissist and then the narcissist took the entire amount of money and spent it on herself instead of opening an account for both of them like she said she was going to do.
My other cousin confronted her and she began a battle with her and refused to talk to her. This is a how narcissist works. They abuse people and then turn things around and make it look like it is the other person’s fault. They are master manipulators.
I know of a few people in my family that have a narcissistic personality disorder, and I will tell you when you meet someone like this you will never forget it. They tend to initially become very engaging and are even charming. They try to impress you will their job status or the celebrities that they rubbed elbows with.
They essentially continue to talk about themselves constantly and if you should mention some success that you’ve experienced they really downplay the information or almost ignore it. The reason is simple. They need to have the spotlight on them all of the time and if anything competes with that they ignore it.
They are also very competitive and can be very envious if they feel that someone else if better off than they are. This is why a relationship with a person that has a narcissistic personality disorder is not very fulfilling because there is really no depth to a person in a relationship like that. Everything is very superficial and they need constant validation from others.
It is really exhausting to be involved with a person like this because you will always be on the losing end of the battle.
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